I am a girl

[kim]

I don’t know what to do my parents always seem angry with me I am 17 years old
(I am a girl) and been starting university. But they seem to be Unhappy to wards me. I thank it’s because my mom left me when I was 2 years old I don’t know why she did that (she run a way from my dad) she wanted divors from by dad .(keep in mind I was only 2 years old at the time) .so it could not have been my fault for this .anyway my dad remarried to this nice women I was like 6 years at this time. So she is like my stepmother and her and my dad had many kids together. My dad told me that I should call her mom as an alternative to her name it was ok at first because I was only 6 years but now am older and I heard that its not good to call someone who is not your mom your mom .

My Stepmother is nice at times but sometimes is really really not nice at all. She say things like (I wish I did not have to take care of this kid and were is her mom) so I feel really sad at times wishing my own mother was here but then I say to my self my own mother had left me for no reason at all and start thinking in a unconstructive way about her .so what I went help with is that I say lots of pessimistic things to my dad like I hate you and so on. And also to my stepmother. A lot of the times I really do feel this but I know it’s wrong and haram to do this to your parents. I don’t know what to do with my self .I pray five times a day , and read the quran .but I feel that Allah will place me in hell for the ways I act to Wards my parents .plz help me soon .

and also the prophet Muhammad :saws:
said that paradise is under your mothers s feet but my mother has left me ,so dos this mean my stepmother now . plz help me go through this hard test because I went to go paradise to heaven.

thank you for your time :

[Outspoken]

Assalaamu Alaikom my dear sister,

The first thing I would like to say to you Kim is that nothing of what you suffer is your fault. You sound like a good person to me and what you're expressing is normal and within your rights. Don't let the situation make you feel bad about yourself or feel like you're somehow guilty of something.

You are not guilty of anything and none of it is your fault. Your parents seperated or divorced when you could barely walk and your father remarried when you had just started school so there is no way that any of this could be blamed on you - you were only a child.

Even now, nothing can be blamed on you either. Decisions were made while you were still a little girl and those decision then eventuated to this. Your parents made their decisions and things were done then at that time. These things would inevitably have consequences in the future.

To even suggest that now in retrospect to what happened 11-15 years ago you are somehow involved and had a hand in it leaves me dumbstruck.

You're parents should have thought about this a long time ago. You're mother should have made some sort of arrangement to see you on a regular basis and your father should have been a bit more considerate towards your situation. They both should have realised and planned that eventually Kim would grow up to be a young lady and she will begin to ask serious questions - what will we do then? Not about themselves but about you and your indentity.

Without these answers and your parents doing the answering Kim, you find yourself in a situation that you shouldn't be in. You're asking yourself questions that someone of your age shouldn't have to. It is too much for any 17 year old to handle. Your parents are mature adults and it is their responsibility to make amends to this situation and try to find a solution not yours.

You should be watching yourself grow, concentrating on building your mind and challenging yourself to become an even better accomplished person - not being lost in the consequences and pits of divorce.

If there is anyone to blame it would be mum and dad and not you.

Then again the complex issues of divorce and seperation are things that only Allah knows about and it would be criminal to judge any marriage from the outside. It is difficult to make judgements like that but mum and dad could have at least made an effort to make it easier on you. It seems like you were left high and dry without any explanations or support.

And about with your situation, you are correct, your stepmother is not your mother and you shouldn't call her that.

It seems to me from what you're telling that the people around you are not the happiest of people and unfortunately they seem to regularly take this out on you. It may be that you're at the wrong place at the wrong time or that they have no one else to blow some steam at sometimes except poor old Kim. Maybe they don't mean to blow up in your face but they just do - nothing personal. Maybe if there was a cat there at the time they would blow up in it's face even but it seems like they always do it when you're around.

Time after time, they do it so often that you think that maybe they hate you or that you caused the anger by doing something wrong. It's normal to think like that but that's not fair.

They ought to be a bit more cautious blowing up in young lady's face especially someone who has been through what you have. They ought to excerise a little more care in expressing their frustrations at innocent people. They ought to be more nurturing and considerate of other's feelings and emotions especially yours.

Them being upset about something or someone does not give them the right to blow up in your face!

The things that your stepmother says in front of you is the most irresponsible thing to do. For her to feel like that is normal and she's right, perhaps your mother should be taking care of you and not her but to express this frustration to you is inapropriate and cruel. This is information your mother should be told and your father should know as well but not you?! You're this person in the middle getting pushed around by everyone.

Your parents both owe you a big explanation as to what happened and trust me - get both sides of the story and don't settle for one side no matter how convincing it sounds.

Try to get in contact with mum. If she tries to avoid you persist and don't give up. Mum and Dad owe you an explanation and they have alot of questions they have to answer you and you have all the right to ask them. You will find that these answers will make alot of sense to you and teach you more about yourself than you know now.

The past may be painful but you have to know who you are and search for your identity because right now you're confused about this.

We have many lessons to learn in life and the biggest one is that life is NOT a Hollywood movie where everything is black and white and the gooddies win in the end. It's much more complex than that and sometimes things are too complex to understand and thats when we have to be careful about our judgements of others.

The advice I can give you now Kim is to be patient. Never say cruel things to Dad no matter what happens. Leave Allah to deal with him and Mum in the Wise and Just way that He sees. Your responsibility is to be a good Muslim and a good daughter under any circumstances - divorce or no divorce. Don't be tempted to rebel and become a problem.

The things that the adults around you do are not always the wisest and most appropriate. They can be irresponsible, cruel and counter productive. You are 17 now and in sha Allah have a good head on your shoulders so you must rise above that and learn many lessons from this behaviour - the biggest one is to know exacty how not to be like when you grow up. You know what things are nice to say and what things aren't, you now know first hand the devastation that divorce causes in a family and how important you will become as a mother to your children. Don't throw any of these lessons away by action irrationally and not thinking straight.

As long as you do the right thing by mum and dad and be good to Allah you will enter Jannah in sha Allah, this is the promise from Allah.

And of course, the best advice I can give you in this situation and any situation is to seek the help of Allah first and foremost. As the Messenger tells us in a Hadith that no one can hurt you except that which Allah has already decreed and nothing more and none of them can benefit you except with what Allah has written for you. In other words Allah controls everything you live through and all your affairs.

I leave you with one of the most beloved quotes to me that give me strength whenever I am alone and I need someone to rescue me...the quote of Prophet Jacob in his distress when he said: Innama Ashkoo Bathee Wa Hoznee Ila'Allah - (Yusuf 86) He said: "I only complain of my distraction and anguish to Allah...

Wassalaamu Alaikom

[Amatallah]

Salams Walakum brother/sister Outspoken, very good advice that will inshallah benefit many brothers and sister in Islam, especially that is going through the same or similar situation. May Allah guide us all to the righteous path of truth Ameen. Salams

[strength]

salam alyalkum dear sister,

I understand what you are going through I have experienced it too. But now I am 26 years old and proud. Proud in the context that I have done away with all the negativity that my family up bring brought in to my life. You must be strong and have faith in Allah and realy belive in your self. Try with evey bitt of power that Allah has given you to accomplish your dreams weather it is completing your education, going to uni etc. Be at peace with your self as long as you know which road you are headed you will be ok insahalallah. But that pain that you have for your real mother will not go away. You need to change your mind frame and focus on the positive things in your life what ever that might be. Trust me this sittustion that you are in is not going to last for ever you have to build up your srength and pick your self up and go on doing the things that make you happy.

[Outspoken]

Wow, strength, thats coming from a very passionate person.

There is no advice like someone who has been there before.

Good Stuff.

Thank You so much for all of your help .I really needed the advices may Allah give you excellent health and a joyful life in this world and in the hereafter.

Thank you
Kim

[mussister]

Your welcome kim,

And inshalallah you will be ok! just hold on and when you look back at this experience ten years down the track you will come to realise that you have become such a strong person due to induring the complexities of having an unhappy house hold to which you were forced to live under. It only make you a better person, a better daughter, a better, wife and a better mother.

I recently had an issue with my father who decided after what 12 years to become a father but it did not work out which is fine ( I wrote in for some advice from the sisters inregards to that issue u can read it, its under the topic titled father). But when I was growing up it was a very very big issue for me cause I was looking for a fathers love in all the wrong places. But like I said you only grow in to a better person if you perserver and belive in your self. Love and best wishes muslim sister :wink: