I can't get over him

[help plz]

Salamu alaikum

I am 19 yrs old and i used to go to a mixed school. During that time I got close to a Muslim guy. I was 17 at the time. We used to talk on the phone all the time, but at first I only saw him as a close friend. I used to tell him all my problems, and he used to tell me his.

As things went along I found out that he liked me more than a friend. A year later I started to develop feelings for him. I forgot to mention we talked for 2 years straight.

Then my mum caught me one night talking on the phone to him. She always hated this guy. I went through hell for months. My mum prohibited me from everything. Talking to friends, going anywhere, everything. When she found out I did the most stupidest thing I've ever done in my life..... I took 10 strong tablets that were sitting in the medicine cabinet.

My mum knew what I had done. My intention was to get my mum to feel sorry for me, to get her attention, not to kill myself. Although that's what it sounds like. Anyway I didnt remember anything that happened that night. I eventually got help from someone close.

Then I started to learn about the religion. I stopped everything. Music, tight clothes,everything. Alhamdolilah I also wore a abaya. I put an end to the relationship I had with that guy. He was devastated because he had done nothing to hurt me. It took me a while to actually stop dialling his number. I'd find an excuse and I'd call him and then we were back on. I eventually did it.

But...... now one and a half years later I still think about him 24/7. I wake up his on my mind. I go to sleep his on my mind. Everything I do I'm thinking about him. Even sometimes when I'm praying I think about him, and I think that my prayers aren't excepted, but I can't help it. Most of the time I cry myself to sleep. I always give my mum attitude and answer her back. I try everything to change but I can't. I always ask Allah for help. I don't know what to do.

I am ready to get married. Two weeks ago someone came to see me but there was no naseeb. I'm just scared that if i do get engaged now, there's two things that can happen, I'm still going to think about that guy or Insha Allah I get over him and get married.

Please help me anyone. I don't want to be the person in my family that my mums always going off at. And I admit most of the time it's my fault. I don't get along with her at all. I want to change that but I don't know how. Please help me to get over this guy and to keep my mind on the religion. Please anyone help.

Sorry it's so long I just had to tell you the whole story.

Jazaku Allah Wassalam

[mazzy]

Salams

Im not the counsellor , but i hope this helps sis,

because you loved this person so much i think the only way you can get over him is if you loved someone more than him, therefore his love will be displaced,

If you contemplate of the bounties of Allah swt and how muc he has given you (and all of us) and how forgiving and loving He is swt, it will increase Allahs' love in your heart.

Increase in your worship and your rememeberance of Allah swt and recite the quran as much as you can, remember Allah swt standing sitting, walking, breath in and out, and realise that your whole life is in his hands.

Place your hand on your heart and feel it pump, isnt it beautiful that your heart is working, who gave it to you? who gave you those beautiful eyes and face? who blessed you with Islam and recently gifted you with Eman? its Allah swt, He loves you and I think you may want to start contemplating on that.


And I ask Allah swt that things work out for you sister

salamz

:D

hmm

Salam alaykum sister,

I just wanted to ask why you can't marry him?
Does he not want to?
Or is the fact that your parents do not aprove of him?

If he does not want too then move on! There is no point in loving someone who does not feel the same way you do, hence you and any other sister that might be in the same position as you deserve better!

If it is your parents, just remember that it is haram for parents to stop there children to marry simply on the premise that they don't like the person or think that there child deserves better.

Sister you need to do some soul searching. Ask your self a few questions.
Is there a chance 4 u and this man to get married. Does he feel the same way u do! R u sure that this is not just a crush. Do u see ur self with this guy, as the father of ur children, Do u think if u did marry him that you both would agree to live an Islamic life style.

These r just a few questions.
I was in a very simliar position. His parents did not want me because I was not of the same nationality as him and his family. They did not care that I was a muslim, they didn't even give me a chance.
But alhumdurella I am married to a wonderful man and u only grow from the experiences of life.

I hope this helps a bit. :wink:

Walaikumasalam wa rahmatullah,
Very sorry for the delayed reply. It's the counsellor but I'm just having some problems logging in which is why I’m posting as a guest.

Insha'Allah you're in the best of health and iman. Firstly, I want to say that you're obviously a very strong girl and masha’Allah you should be very proud of yourself. Not listening to music, wearing abaya and following Islam properly is not easy to do, especially in the society we’re living in. The fact that you do so tells me that you take religion seriously. About this fellow, no matter how much you think you are, it’s obvious from your situation that you’re not in love with him. The reason why you think you are is because Muslim girls who do not associate/get intimate with guys (ie. dating, flirting etc) and yet have been intimate with one guy in their past are lonely. You do not currently have a husband/fiancé/man with whom you share intimate things and because you’re young and it’s that age where girls get into guys and whatnot, you think you’re in love with this one person where you have felt some sort of intimate type relationship. What I’m trying to say is that the only reason you’re infatuated with him is because he’s the only guy with whom you’ve ever really been ‘intimate’ (well, more than with any other guy atleast).

Looking at it from this perspective, it’s obvious that when you get married insha’Allah, you will definitely get over him because then there’s another guy in your life. Women always need some male in their lives to preoccupy their thoughts with and if there’s only ever really been one proper guy in their life then that’s when you get your situation even 5years down the track. So this problem will go away insha’Allah when there’s another guy in your life. Trust me, you’ll forget all about this guy and your mind will be on your husband 24/7. I recommend getting married asap (and I’m sure you want this also). Ofcourse, I’m not saying to make a rushed decision – make sure you know the person really well before you marry him, but I’m saying that if someone good comes along don’t reject them simply on account of things like being too young, uni, work etc (not that I think you will). As the guest above me pointed out, you could always marry this guy. Is there a certain reason you can’t marry him? Although, I should point out that if this guy is not as religious as you are, and I’m guessing that he’s not, then it’s a bad idea to marry him.

For the moment, while you’re waiting for your prince charming to arrive, try your hardest not to think about the guy – replace thoughts about him with thoughts about your future hubby and how you can make it a successful relationship. Make dua to Allah (swt) that he blesses you with a good pious man asap.

As for getting your mind on religion, try to surround yourself with Islam all the time. Try and keep good Muslim friends, go to Islamic places/centres/mosques regularly, read your prayers with conviction and try to concentrate, read dua regularly, read Islamic books about topics which are of interest to you and so on. Basically, surround yourself with an Islamic environment. Read up about the status of mothers in Islam and listen to lectures about it because reminder is very good. Do this consistently and you will see a huge improvement insha’Allah.

Now that the guy is in the past, why is it that your mum goes off at you? Is it just because you don’t get along with her and you pick fights about small issues? If you want to treat her better, start by trying to change the very nature of your relationship with your mum. Next time you see her give her a big warm smile, hug her and tell her you love her. She might be surprised but she will definitely appreciate it. Try and do this often and she will also be nicer towards you. I hope everything works out ok.

wasalaam

[help plz]

Salamz to all my brothers and sisters

While I was reading all your replys, I broke down and started to cry. Everything you all said is true.

The reason why I can't marry this guy is firstly because I am lebanese and he isn't. When I started to talk to him he wasn't the type of guy I don't think any girl would go for.

He was doing things from selling drugs to taking them himself. He would beat up everyone that looked at him. He was part of a gang. He hated his father because he caused the death of his grandfather and because he left his mother. He was always out till 3-4 in the morning. He was doing drugs from the age of 11-12 years old.

He never mixed with girls he hated them. I was the first girl he spoke to. When I was talking to him, he changed. He stopped going out. He stopped the drugs. He left his friends. He started praying, going to the mosque.....

But then one day I woke up and realised what I'm doing is wrong. So I left him. He took it hard. He cried on the phone. It took a long time to let go because he would ring to tell me something and then we were back on. Eventually it happened and it was over.

But......... he changed and went back to his street life because he had no one to stop him from the streets. I always feel guilty because I think that I was responsible for him. I made him a better person but I never stuck around to keep it that way.

This is why it's so hard for me to get over him. He never hurt me and he changed his whole life even his mum knew the difference. I know that that's not an excuse. But as the counsellor said "most muslim girls don't go out and do things that others do", maybe that's why it's hard for me.

Even if I had the chance to marry him now, I wouldn't! I wouldn't sacrifice my family and Allah(swt) for anything not even what I really want. I know that I should get married but it's not that easy. When I didn't want to get married because of him, I had alot of people asking for my hand. But now that I do, there's no one.

Anyway thankyou all for your help. This is the first time that I've really talked about this. Most people probably wouldn't understand what I'm going through and why I'm feeling the way I do, but thankyou anyway for listening.

Jazaku Allah Wasalam

[help plz]

salamz

To the guest that said


I just wanted to ask why you can't marry him?
Does he not want to?
Or is the fact that your parents do not aprove of him?

If he does not want too then move on! There is no point in loving someone who does not feel the same way you do, hence you and any other sister that might be in the same position as you deserve better!

If it is your parents, just remember that it is haram for parents to stop there children to marry simply on the premise that they don't like the person or think that there child deserves better.


It's not that he doesn't want to get married It's just that my parents wouldn't approve because he's not lebanese. And as I said before now that I know a bit more about the religion, I wouldn't marry him and go against my parents. They are evrything to me and he's just a guy. I know I'm saying that and everything and you'll probably think then why can't she get over him?

The truth is I don't know why. Insha-Allah Allah does send me someone that I'll be happy with and Insha-Allah I will get over him. Insha-Allah!

Salamz

Walaikumasalam,
Insha'Allah you are well. I hope everythng turns out ok and remember, you will eventually get over him. Allah (swt) tests those who he loves most, so rest assured that he loves you alot :wink:

wasalaam

[help plz]

salam

Jazaku Allah Kheir Counsellor. Thankyou so much for caring and worrying about me. I don't get that very much so thankyou.

May Allah reward you for everything you are doing.

Salam