Can't handle my parents

Salam,
I am a 21 year old muslimah still living with my parents.
I cringe when I go to lectures and find that the topic is about obeying parents. My family are quite religious and my parents are reasonably fair, but they both have a side which I upsets me.

My dad can be quite aggressive when he asks me to do something rather than asking me politely, and on some occasions insults me by calling me stupid or idiot. It makes me mad and I tell him to not talk to me like I'm an animal.

My mum upsets me because she is never open minded- judges too quickly and heaps of occasions talks badly about other people including friends and her own family (dad and siblings). She never thinks before she speaks, and it can be so embarrassing and shameful. I tell her nicely to avoid doing what she does, but she responds in a harsh and stubborn manner. She cares alot about what other people think and tries to make herself appear better. My mum keeps away from my dad's side of the family, she looks down on them because they come from a developing area. Whenever we go overseas to see family, she never makes any effort to come along and see them.

It really upsets me and I can't help crying about this every week. I always pray that things will get better and hope that they can spend some time to evaluate their behaviours. I can't talk to them because it will just cause an argument and I'll end up walking away and cry.

I love them both, but it really stresses me out and can't cope living with them when they behave that way.

Walaykumasalam wa rahmatullah,
Sorry about the late reply, I've been having some computer problems. You're case is not a rare one. Unfortunately, alot of fathers are aggressive when speaking to their children, and ALOT of mothers backbite, care about what others will think and are close minded. There's not much you can do about this, except continue being kind to your parents, make dua for them and try to get them to stop.

As for your dad, perhaps you could find an Islamic lecture which talks about how one should treat his/her children and the way the prophet (p) used to treat his daughter. Whenever his daughter Fatima (p) used to walk into the room, the prophet (p) would get up from where he was sitting, kiss Fatima's hand and give up his seat for her. This is the way of our prophet (p) treated his daughter and our prophet (p) is the best example. So if you can find an Islamic lecture about how one should treat his children and play it while your dad is around so that he hears it, perhaps that will help. Other than that, just make lots of dua to Allah (swt) for his behaviour to change.

As for your mother, perhaps you can do the same thing (ie. find a nice effective Islamic lecture which talks about backbiting, caring too much what others think, close-mindedness, severing ties with relatives and so on.

Here are some verses/hadiths which talk about these issues:

Backbiting -

49.12 . O ye who believe! Shun much suspicion ; for lo! some suspicion is a crime . And spy not , neither backbite one another . Would one of you love to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Ye abhor that ( so abhor the other ) ! And keep your duty ( to Allah ) . Lo! Allah is Relenting , Merciful .

Backbiting in Islam is so bad that it is as if you are eating the flesh of your fellow Muslim.

Shaikh Sadooq narrates a length tradition from the Holy Prophet (p) in which he said that, "A person who backbites (ghibat) and thus creates mischief and dissension among two people, Allah will fill his grave with fire, which will keep burning him till the day of Qayamat. And as soon as he comes out of his grave (on the day of Qayarnat), Allah will send a huge python who will keep biting his flesh. and he will ultimately be thrown in hell".

The Holy Prophet [p] said: "The abandoning of backbiting is more valuable to Allah, Almighty and Glorious, than the performance of ten thousand rak'at of recommended prayers."

Imam Ali (p) said: "The listener to backbiting is the same as the backbiter."

The Holy Prophet (p) said: "Slander acts quicker against the faith of a Muslim believer than leprosy does against his body."

The hadiths on backbiting are numerous. People think it's a small thing when in fact they don't know what they're getting themselves into.

Severing ties with relatives -

Prophet Muhammad (p) said, “The best of virtues is to maintain the ties with one who has severed it; to give in charity to one who has deprived you [of help]; and to forgive one who has done wrong to you.”

Prophet Muhammad (p) said, “Do not sever the ties with your relations even if they have severed them with you.”

Prophet Muhammad (p) said, “The good deed that brings rewards faster [than other deeds] is maintaining the ties with one’s relations.”

The quran says in regard to this issue:

“But if you held command, you were sure to make mischief in the land and cut off the ties of kinship! Those it is whom Allمh has cursed so He has made them deaf and blinded their eyes.” (47:22-23)

‘'Be careful of (your duty towards) Allمh by whom you demand of one another (your rights), and (to) the ties of relationship; surely Allمh ever watches over you.’' (4:1)

Open-mindedness -

[10:99] And if your Lord had pleased, surely all those who are in the earth would have believed, all of them; will you then force men till they become believers?

Imam Ali (p) said, ''Do not look at who is speaking but look at what he is saying''

Not caring what others think -

[3:173] Those to whom the people said: Surely men have gathered against you, therefore fear them, but this increased their faith, and they said: Allah is sufficient for us and most excellent is the Protector.


Maybe you can print these out and leave it in your mums room or something. Or as I said earlier, find lectures that talk about these issues and play it around them. The problem with these approaches though, are that they usually have short term effects (ie. it will affect them for a few days and then they will go back to their old habits) so try and get them to completely give up these vices during the time in which they are affected because if they manage to completely give them up, then there is a much less chance that they will go back to them, particularly if they are continually reminded.

Take care and good luck :)

fi aminillah

[twilight85]

My parents behaviour is still happening again.

My mum's disfunctional behaviour makes me upset and I cannot even look and talk to her. When I advise her not to do something, like back bite or raise her voice or when I ask things politely, she thinks I am taking authority over her.

My dad acts the same way. I work with alot of elderly people so my behaviour is quite patient and mature. So when I tell my parents politely not to raise their voice or call me names (like dog or even satan), they accuse me of acting better than them.

I know we have to respect our parents no matter what happens, but how do we learn respect from them? I don't want to grow up behaving like this to my own children in the future because I know that it will hurt them.

We're not a family that would talk about our feelings. My parents are too stubborn to listen to me. I don't like being in this house. I need to be away from them.

[Expired]

:as:


I know we have to respect our parents no matter what happens, but how do we learn respect from them? I don't want to grow up behaving like this to my own children in the future because I know that it will hurt them.

We're not a family that would talk about our feelings. My parents are too stubborn to listen to me. I don't like being in this house. I need to be away from them.

You may never learn respect from your parents although it is their duty to teach you respect, but mashallah you seem like a very wise sister.

You are able see the errors in their way and because of this and of the fact that you do not want to raise your children in that way, the opportunity of change is in your hands.

You have the opportunity to break the bad habits of your parents, you know what it is like to be treated in this way so I believe you will be able to break that cycle.

Try to remain patient with them for the reward for that is with Allah inshallah.

In a few years when the time is right you will marry and leave the home, but until then make dua for things to get better and always turn to Allah.

I really wish you the best sister and pray that your situation with your parents gets better.

May Allah be with you always

:wa:

[twilight85]

Thank you for your reply.

I know it is important for me to be patient in this time because I will be getting married in 5 months, alhumdullilah. I am embarrassed to have them around the future in-laws though :(

For me to stay calm whenever I pass by them in the house is to not speak to them at all. My mum and I have not spoken to one another after an incident that happened 4 days ago. The thought of just saying hi to her sounds easy but it sickens me when I go near her.

[Expired]

:as:

how u doing sister ? It really saddens me to see that you are so upset at home when this time should really be a time of excitement for you.

5 months may seem like a life time to you but they will go past very quickly and to I guess save the peace in the house I want you to try to do something.

Whenever you see something that is not right and that upsets you, I want you to really try hard and not to say anything, except in your heart say "May Allah forgive you".

Sister with your mum I would really like you to try and make peace with her, I know this is going to be very hard and a massive effort on your side, but sister you only have one mum.

If you dont want to do it for your sake or your mums sake then do it for the sake of Allah (swt).

The Noble Qur'an - Al-Anfal 8:46

And obey Allah and His Messenger. and fall into no disputes, lest ye lose heart and your power depart; and be patient and persevering: For Allah is with those who patiently persevere:

:wa:

[twilight85]

When I try to make peace with her, she doesn't speak back. I think she feels ashamed that she isn't trying to make peace with me, and as I mentioned before, if I try to mend things in a polite way she feels that I am trying to take authority over her and accuses me of acting too much like an "adult". If I say sorry (even when it's not my fault) she would just ignore me because she has too much pride to forgive me.

With dad, I can only talk to him in a neautral way (with no mood and no tone) to keep myself calm and only talk if he asks me things. Now he thinks I have a mental problem.

I read surahs that I remember whenever I get angry cause that helps me relax and hopefully keep the shaitan away. Perhaps Allah is testing my patience and may reward me with the sense of 5 months flying by very quickly. Not to mention a wonderful husband at the end of the waiting period.

I'll try the advice you gave me about saying 'May Allah forgive you' in my heart. I think that will help.

[Expired]

:as:

Just wondering how things are going ?

Please do keep us updated.

Ur sis in Islam

Unpredictable

:wa:

[twilight85]

At the moment, things are okay with my dad and I. Throughout a cry, I expressed how mad and upset I've been feeling towards him. I told him how much it hurts when he calls me names and how much I make do'a for things to get better. I think he was somewhat touched by it that he finally said sorry.

As for mum... well we eventually stated talking again. Except tonight, she started backbiting about dad and I told her not to because when times are tough, she will definately need him. I reminded her the time when she was seriously ill early this year and after waking up from a week of being under sedation, she called for him to stay at the hospital. Mum seemed to proud to hear me say that to her and she ignored me. She didn't say anything even when I asked, "so what do you think?" "do you agree"..etc. I got annoyed that she was staring at tv show she was watching and not listening to me, so I got the remote and changed the channel. She didnt say anything. I could've turned the tv off but I thought that would definately tick her off.

So I learnt another thing about mum's character. She doesn't like to be confronted and talk about things. She won't admit to anything and talk about her feelings.

[Expired]

:as:

Alhumdulillah I am glad that things are better with your dad, and with your mum just give it some more time.

Il let you into a lil secret from a mums point of view, when your child comes up to you and tells you "mum this isnt right" or " you shouldnt say this and that cause remember when..." Its hard.

The truth hurts, and for a mother to hear the truth pointed out to her by her child, would make one highly ashamed of herself, which is why usually when someone points such things out one may go quiet. . Maybe as a way to ponder over what was being said, a way to repent to Allah. We dont know the intentions or what is in another persons heart.

You dont know why she went quiet, but please when you see her like this dont keep hounding her for an answer, let her be.

I agree Islamically it isnt right to backbite or slander, but one sometimes gets to a stage where if they dont say whats in the heart and on their chest they tend to feel like they are going to explode. Things might be said out of anger or hurt but at those times 90% isnt really meant. ( I know this from myself )

See how you expressed how you were feeling about your parents, parents also need to express how they feel about the kids, each other, their life, the housework etc.

This is just being human.

Keep making dua for dua is the weapon of the believer.

May Allah be with you always and keep your family together and allow them to become closer... Ameen

Ur sis in Islam

Unpredictable

:wa:

[Expired]

:as:


So I learnt another thing about mum's character. She doesn't like to be confronted and talk about things. She won't admit to anything and talk about her feelings.

Not everyone is comfortable opening up and expressing how they feel. You need to accept that is how Allah created her, and please try and do something for me... instead of looking for the negative things about your mum & dad look for the positive things and focus more on them.

See how that goes for a while and then tell me if you see your parents esp your mum in a different light.

Hey its worth a try innit ? :oops:

:wa:

[twilight85]

Hi,

thank you for replying. Yes I like to look at the positive side of things.. but its a little hard sometimes.

I have a question... as muslims we are suppose to look after our parents.. what happens if the parents take advantage of that ruling and ask them to do things which is uneccessary or inconvenient? Okay, here is a situation, if my future husband and I lived 10km away and my mum asks me to take her to work everyday am I suppose to do it? Her work is 5 mins away - (3km) and she starts 11pm. It would be silly to go on public transport at that time, dad is at work while mum starts and she refuses to work during the day cause she can't stand the other workers.

[Expired]

:as:

First of all let me say I can understand that it is hard to look at things positive and will probably be one of the hardest things in life you will ever have to do, but by doing this you are letting go of ill feelings which in all honesty can wear you down in the long run. To answer the rest of your question I have put together some things below... but just a thought for you to think about before you go on have you ever asked your parents to do something for you that they may have seen as uneccessary or inconvenient ?

Hadiths

A man once consulted the Prophet Muhammad about taking part in a military campaign. The Prophet asked the man if his mother was still living. When told that she was alive, the Prophet said: "(Then) stay with her, for Paradise is at her feet." (Al-Tirmidhi)

And......

The Prophet said: "God has forbidden for you to be undutiful to your mothers." (Sahih Al-Bukhari)

Quran

The Quran states: "And revere the wombs that bore you, for God is ever watchful over you." (4:1)

Explanation

All of your mothers children are obligated to do as much as they possibly to help their mother. It is permissible for the children to divide the responsibility among themselves. Their objective in doing so should be to satisfy all of their mother’s lawful needs as much as possible. To the extent that a person exerts his efforts to be kind, his reward from Allah will be all the greater.

I would like to remind you that the kindness a person shows to his parents and the bad treatment that a person shows to his parents are both debts that will be repaid. The person will receive similar treatment from his own children when it is his turn to be old. He will thus be reimbursed for his deeds in this worldly life as well as in the Hereafter.

Please Read (http://www.sydneymuslimyouth.com/smyforum/viewtopic.php?t=234&highlight=wooden+bowl)

I would like to draw the attention to a few of the ways that a person can show kindness to his parents, but they are certainly not confined to these:

1. Offering supplication for their favor during their lives and after they have passed away.

2. Facilitating their happiness in every permissible way.

3. Avoiding making them sad as much as possible.

4. Never to utter the least word of contempt for their requests.

5. Fulfill their needs as much as possible.

Your mum has looked after your needs for decades. So it is your duty to repay her by way of caring for her and looking after her physical and financial needs.

A Quranic verse says: “People ask you (O Prophet) how should they spend. Say, ‘whatever you spend should be spent on Allah (in good cause), on parents, near relatives, on orphans, destitutes and travelers (who fall short of money in foreign lands)”.

O Lord! Have mercy on our fathers and our mothers as they had cherished us in childhood.

I want to leave you with a thought.... If you were in your mothers place what would you like your children to do for you ?

:wa:

From a variety of sources

[twilight85]

Yes I know that we need to be dutiful to our mothers and the high status they have in our lives. But would I have to do that favour for her every night when she is alot more flexiable.. ie she can change her hours and deal with the fact that you can't like everyone at your work OR she can work something out with dad so he is home to take her to work.

It's far different than the inconvience of a mother getting up in the middle of the night to change/ feed/ entertain a baby. I know my mum wouldn't even let me travel to a friend's house 20 minutes away at 10:30pm to pick something up, and she wants me to do this when I'm living out of home?

If I was my mum, I would try swapping hours / get a work mate to pick me up. If you were me, what would YOU DO in this situation?

[Expired]

:as:


If you were me, what would YOU DO in this situation?

Honestly if I was you, I would take my mother anywhere she wanted to go at any time she needed to go needed me, even if it meant dragging myself out of bed on a rainy winters night to bring her a glass of water.


It's far different than the inconvience of a mother getting up in the middle of the night to change/ feed/ entertain a baby

As a mother of 4 children believe me there is alot more to being a mother then getting up in the middle of the night to change/feed and enterain a baby and I have never seen it as an inconvience.

Remember the nights she stayed awake with you when you were sick, the pain of carrying you for 9 mths, the delivery and this is just to name a few. I remember that as soon as I gave birth to my first child my thoughts went to my mother - I now knew and felt what she went thru to have me.

When I asked you the question in my last post what I really meant was...What would you like your children to do if you needed them to take you to work or watever everyday ?

Sister, please remember that your mother is not going to be around for ever and even as you get older there will be times when you are going to need your mum.

I went through the same thing with my mum when I was younger and now I would do anything in my power to take back the words I said to her, to replace the fights with something more pleasant.

My actions, my words, and my lack of support formy mum when she really needed it destroyed my relationship with my mum, and because of my actions as a teen I lost my mums respect and lost out on so many opportunities with her, eg. I didnt have my mum next to me when I delieverd my children.

Take advatange of every minute you have with your mum otherwise later on in life you will have regrets.

You have the opportunity now to do whatever you can for your mum, and in the process please Allah... What more could you ask for.

I appologise if this seems harsh.

:wa:

[twilight85]

Hi,

Yea I am quite afraid of that regretful feeling when the parents aren't around. But for so many years I've had this thought "they will die one day and I think I can live without them". I have funded for myself for so long that it's like I don't get their support, eg They weren't there for my graduations, can't congratulate me for any efforts I've made in my career, didn't give me any support of encouragment when I decided to wear the hijab, can't be thankful that I found someone to marry, never really said anything about the wedding dress I bought on my own...I had to buy on my own.


I'm getting married in 4 months and they've never said anything like , "I'm glad you've found someone to marry". Mind you, he is a revert - he thought he would never become muslim until he came to a lecture about the existence of Allah. I guess I could thank dad for letting us marry each other, but I'm sure it's cause he knows he can't stop us since we are both muslims that want to marry.

Dad and I had another episode today and I angrily broke out. I realised my parents don't say anything when I shout and respond rudely and we keep to the point of the issue, but they absolutely hate it when I try to mend issues in a polite, calm & friendly manner and they make my behaviour another issue! It's so silly and childish.

When I have kids in the future (insyhallah), I would treat them with respect and ask them to do things for me politely. If they can't for some reason, hopefully we can work things out.

[Outspoken]

Assalaamu Alaikom

Twilight, let me add something to your knowledge if I may.

You will find something of extreme benefit and profound interest. Sometimes when our parents act in a particular way, you will find that the past has cast them into the person they are in now.

You would agree that your parents are 'just like that' yes? The things they do aren't necessarily personal and if there was anyone else in your position they would act the same, am I right?

If this is true, I can give you a mental strategy that will help.

You should feel sorry for your parents.

huh? Yes, you should feel sorry for them! [What do you mean I should be sorry for them, after everything they have done to me, I should feel sorry for them?]

You know why? You know what I think Twlight? I think that everything you are showing them now is something that is not familiar to them, something they have not experiences enough in their lives - it's foreign. I'm assuming they didn't have the best relationships with their parents either - but that's only an assumption.

The reason I say this is that the children will always turn out to be like their parents if they don't watch out.

The way your parents are seems to me like a deeply entrenched program that is so old and matured it's like a scar in a rock.

This personality and character is not something that happens overnight or can present itself all of a sudden to one person in one instance. You need practise, you need demonstrations, you need an atmosphere and an environment to develop and create these feelings. They don't happen overnight.

So then, this means that you've been innocently caught up in all of this and you have come up a sweet girl in the midst of a couple of people with a not so pleasant past.

I can't see it any other way.

So, while you are hear stressing over how they treat you and how they make your life a living hell. I think the question should be - why are they acting like this?

I think you need to do some exciting investigation.

Ask them about their parents. Did they ever get presents? Did they ever feel comfortable around their parents? Did they have happy family occasions? Were they ever beaten? Were they ever spoilt by their parents.

I can't imagine someone with such a rich and happy family history turning out like this. You will find the results of your research interesting.

What can you tell us about your grandparents from both sides? Perhaps your parents were orphans who were forced to work from a young age? I don't know? But it is these things that affect us down the track.

The most important thing right now is that if you don't wake up to yourself - you will be exactly the same. Exactly.

However, alhamdulillah you have shown that you are aware of this behaviour and you already plan NOT to be like them but you have to be careful.

You see this everyday, you live it everyday, inevitably you are aware of this behaviour and you know it. Compare this to someone who has not seen it ever in their life and their family has always been close and happy.

What I'm trying to say is that you have to continue to block this behaviour out of your head and always reject it mentally because you can always think it's ok one day - because you've witnessed it and lived it all your life.

It is going to take a very couragoues and brave move to be able to change who you are to become someone sweet, caring, nurturing and involved in their childrens life.

You know why? Because you're creating your own self now, what your parents are teaching you is not what you want and your rebelling against it. They are no indirectly teaching you how to become a parent but alhamdulillah you have recognized that it is not a way to parent anyone so you're going your own way - that is not easy.

If people don't wake up, generations and generations have just 'lived with it' and grown up to be their parents but it is only the wise amongst us who wake up to themselves and say - I don't have to be like that, it's wrong.

You then find yourself in unfamiliar territory, treading new ground and teaching yourself everyday and referring to common sense, common courtesy and above all, the teachings of Allah and His Messenger on how we should be and how we should care for your children.

Good on you. Brilliant stuff and I congratulate you for being one of those people.

Now going back to our previous point. Do you understand now why you have to feel sorry for your parents?

Because most likely they don't know any better. They haven't been accustomed to this functional family where everyone is involved and things are like 7th Heaven. You know what, most people aren't.

Your parents hit you, you hit your children. Your parents call you names and abuse you, the program in your head just goes along and soon enough you'll be doing the exact same. That's how it works.

You feel sorry for them because they were deprived of this attention and care that you are offering them now. It is too hard for them to learn all this, it's too late. Their program has been preset and it'll take a mountain for them to completely shift mentality, character and thinking.

Am I making sense?

So yeah, I thought I'd throw that in to benefit everyone and in sha Allah it opens a very wide door for you twilight.

I tell you what, you're putting up with alot in that household if what you say is true and it's one of the best forms of Jihad going around.

May Allah support you.

Wassalaamu Alaikom

[twilight85]

Hello,
Thank you so much for your advice.

I understand when you say
You should feel sorry for your parents.
because after every argument, I do feel that way. Mum and dad are living their lives with irrational behaviours towards one another and I know they want to try communicate with me in a civilised way, but they're caught up with their own habits cause it's probably why they talk to me like that.

My parents carry alot of pride and can't give in to say sorry to one another when they argue or can't even forgive me when I apologise (even for things that are not even my fault).

*sighs* I'll just keep being patient on try to tolerate with everyone. It's just less than 3 more months until I leave this sort of environment (of course it doesn't mean I'll stay away from them)

[Outspoken]

You're a good kid...

[Expired]

:as:

May Allah reward you for your patience... I agree with outspoken, your a good kid, a wonderul sister and I know you will make a wonderful mother.

Remember like I said in another post this is the beginning of a new and wonderful journey, I wish you all the best. :)

:wa:

Admin Edit : Due to the constant Spam on this post I have had to lock it for the time being.

[twilight85]

I do thank you for all of your support.

I'm in another situation..which I guess I need to be patient with...

My fiance is a revert and he has been practicing for 10 months now, alhumdullilah. He has been able to pick up what he can: do salats (even at work), attend Friday prayers, attend lectures in the community every week, learn how to read arabic, memorise alfatiha, memorised most of the arabic to do salat, did his best to fast during ramadan and all this while working almost 10hrs 5 days each week. He has changed his life, sacrificed and learnt alot during that period. I know any revert who is committed will do the same too, but I have been so proud with the amount of knowledge he has taken in.

It was hard for my dad to feel confident that he will keep practising when he came over to ask my dad's permission to marry me 5 months after he reverted. My dad sat him down and made him read alot of pages in the Iqro book. I thought it was fair enough that dad wanted to know that he was taking the arabic classes seriously. I wasn't worried because he was able to read it.

It was a real struggle when Ramadan came around,, I can understand that it would be hard to shut your body from over 20 years of eating and drinking everyday. Unfortunately dad wasn't being sympathic and supportive and was eager to get him to memorise Iqamah. Personally I thought it wasn't really the right time because he was still trying to get fluent with his arabic and get through Ramadan.

Now dad has been disappointed because he hasn't quite memorised all of Iqamah, even though he just started reading and memorising surahs, and he was disappointed because he couldn't make it to Eid Ad-Ha. So just a couple of weeks ago, he asked me to postpone our wedding until he is 'better' with his practices.

Immediately my answer was No because my dad was going with only what he sees. I feel that my dad is expecting WAY too much from him. I think he is behaving like this because my fiance isn't the same nationality (he is Australian). I think my fiance keeps up with his salats and reads better arabic than the other males we know within our family friends who were born as muslims AND learnt more than some reverts we know in that sort of time frame. From time to time, dad points out other people (sons of his friends) I should consider when I am already engaged! I admit, I'll respond immaturely and say, 'He can't read the quran, so we can't be together' or ' I know he doesn't go to Friday prayers, so we can't be together'.

I know we can't get married without my dad's consent, but we're still going ahead with the plans. Insyhallah dad will come to agree, I'll get backed up from my brother. I guess my mum will just go along with my dad's decision even though she is very pleased towards my fiance.

All the things my fiance has learnt and practised were for himself, us and of course Allah. However with dad behaving this way he might start to feel that he is doing things to prove to my dad that he is a practising muslim and my dad will just ask him to do more and more and more! He and I don't feel that its right to learn things cause my dad EXPECTS him to, especially while he is trying to learn everything else.

If you had a daughter and she wanted to marry a revert, what would you be expecting from them when they have continually practiced out of their own will and still learning?

Unpredicatable, I know you have responded to my other post about finding another celebrant. We both wanted someone who can speak english well so he can communicate dawah so his family and our non muslim friends can understand. I didn't talk about changing celebrants with my dad because we just wanted to contact Bilal and see what he would say.

[Outspoken]

Assalaamu Alaikom

Sister, I sense that you are willing to challenge your father to have the wedding done sooner than you originally wanted?

Is it such a big deal that the wedding be delayed? What are we talking about here in terms of time frame?

How about you strike a deal with dad regarding the time issue that your fiance should know x by then and he will agree?

Or as he memorises x you can get married?

Have you tried to define exactly what dad wants in terms of knowledge? One can seek knowledge for eternity and I'm sure there is alot of things we all know that dad doesn't know so exactly where does he want to draw the line?

You can try to reach that line and take it from there.

I wouldn't recommend at all, taking your father and mother on with the help of your father because you can't wait to get married.

Unless you fear that he doesn't like your fiance fullstop and that he's using an excuse (which seems the case) to delay it?

In this case, I still don't recommend the challenge approach - it never helped anyone, it creates an eternal 'issue' between family members.

I suggest you be frank and ask what is going on and get to the bottom of the issue so that you know exactly what is going on?

It sounds like your fiance is doing well for himself but I can also understand that Dad wants him to know and learn more and be a better person.

What I wouldn't tolerate him doing is 'picking' on him or 'toying' with him because he is not Arabic and not a born Muslim, I cringe at people like that like you wouldn't believe. I despise behaviour like that because it's disgusting Islamic manners.

Allah knows best.

What do you think?

[roulaz]

Asalamu Alaikoum

I strongly believe that after reading much of your posts that you are far too critical of your parents. You need to take a step back and realise that your parents are the only people who will have unconditional love for you - even though you can not see it.

Inshallah sister you will marry and have children of your own. I can guarantee you that when you do have children, you will see your mother in a different light. I was young once and had the same perspective as you, however as you grow older you tend to become less critical and more tolerant of others behaviour. You must remember you can only control what you say and do. You can only do du’a and da’wa for others! I have been through a lot of ups and downs with my family, but I did not realise how expensive and beautiful they are until I got married and left their home.

May Allah SWT shower his blessings upon my mother and father and may he reward them with the highest of Jannet - Jannet Al Firdus.

May Allah lead us all down the right path.

[Mujehida]

i think sister, you shoudlnt rush, why rush, it seems you just wannto get married and you done care about your family trust me take my advice, do whith what your dad wants, wallahio they are alwayss in the right, we may not understand to later on, your dad is doing this for you and whats best for you, trust me, take it easy and be pateint, make sure your family and dad are happy than get married, why rush. put ur trust in allah and know everything happens for a reason.

[Expired]

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Due to continued spam on this thread I will need to lock it. If you would like to continue with this topic please do open a new thread.

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