No Libido

[Guestbest]

Salamualaykum counsellor,

I am a young muslimah who just got married a year ago. My question is about intimacy with my husband. when we first had our katb kitaab, i felt attracted to him and thought that i would have no problem in the sexual department. after our wedding, it all suddenly went away and since then i have had no desire to have sex with my husband. My husband is a young man and has a lot of desire, wanting to have sex all the time. this is a huge problem as you can imagine. and even though i have no desire, i want to give my husband his rights and i ask him to do it but he refuses because he knows that i dont want to and doesnt want to force me into anything.
I love my husband so much, but i just dont have the desire to have sex at all. I read on the internet that this is a common problem with women and theres no drug or anything that you can take to cure it. I want to know if theres a special dua or surah or prayer or an activity that i can do to fix this problem, or do i have to see a theorpist? (i would rather not).


Please, Please help me. May Allah reward you!


Jazakum Allah kheir.

[muslimah around]

salams sis,
im very glad u brought up this topic because i am experiencing the smae thing. my husband is extremely frustrated and i think he wants to get another wife. i am really dont want that to happen. i would rather fix the problem. please help us someone!

[Expired]

:as:

First of all I would suggest that you speak with a DR as there is medication ( some natural remedies as well such as a brand I belive is called Woman ) available to help you in this situation, you may find that speaking to a DR she may be able to find out if it is a physical problem or a psychological one.

Here are a few things I have found on the net, Inshallah they help




Islam Online:
If sex is important to the marriage, there are many natural alternatives. Medical herbalist Cheri Wagner recommends foods like pomegranate which the Prophet Muhammed also recommended as a blessing on Fridays in addition to figs and dates which all enhance the libido.


Here are some other articles that may help....

Prophetic Medicine: An Old Prescription for a New Era (http://www.islam-online.net/English/Science/2000/2/article2.shtml)

Questions and Answers on Natural Health (http://www.islam-online.net/English/Science/2001/02/article19.shtml)

Inshallah these have helped...

Sister seek professional help, there is help out there and many sisters go thru this in silence, never reaching out for help.

Ur sis in Islam

[Outspoken]

Assalaamu Alaikom

Indeed this is a serious problem but a real one also. We cannot deny this is happening in our families and it would be an even bigger problem if we ignored it.

I'm no expert in this field but I can offer a number of possible insights that I am sure will help. They may not answer the question because I think this issue is a little out of my league but I will mention them none the less.

I believe this is a problem has has roots in either yourself or your partner or both and I will explain why.

I will start with yourself.

1) Expectations. Inevitably, our opinions and views are shaped by our surroundings and experiences. What we see and who we talk to throughout our lives form our beliefs and how we think the world operates. This is nothing new to everyone. However, an important point to make here is that we don't realise our much influence things have on us and while we feel so deeply about our opinions, most of the time we don't know where we 'acquired' them from. This is extremely important.

It is for this reason that todays youth are forming their opinions from the wrong sources. Their feelings have become distorted, their opinions bent and their beliefs corrupted. Thanks to the media, popular culture, movies and music, especially from the U.S. things have gone really wacko.

This has indirectly affected our expectations of things. On TV, in advertising, in video clips and in movies and everything else that appeal to youth certain standards have been set for every viewer or listener to recognize: Fat people are fools that are there to be picked on (the pig in Chicken little), skinny people are nerdy push overs that wear glasses (the simpsons) and unpopular kids are weird freaks . On the other hand, the hero is someone with an attractive figure and has a perfect life or ends up having one in one way or another. Why can't anyone just be normal?? This is the American culture being spat out to the world.

Meanwhile, if you ever watch a foreign movie, they portray normal every day people.

Is it possible that because of this indoctrination and brainwashing that we have been undergoing for the last 10 years or so of our lives, that we have now shifted expectations? Yes.

We don't want someone too tall, or too short - we want them 'normal' like the movies. We don't want a nerdy freak, a fat person or a skinny person - we want them 'normal' like the movies. We want a hunk, with a cut up body like Van Deisel, that perfect popular person. You know what, we don't even know that at the end of the day - this is really what we're looking for...

Now I'm not saying that this situation applies here but I can tell you one thing - it sure applies elsewhere. Our brothers and sisters have been so affected by popular culture that the normal every day person just doesn't cut the mustard anymore.

Lets just zap out of all of this and go back 1500 years ago to the source of our standards - the Messenger, his family and companions. The wife of the Messenger once said: "Glory be to the One who decorated males with beards."

Whoaa! Huh, are you serious? You're telling me the beard is meant to be a decoration?? Yes. Unfortunately, we have fallen so far from their tree that only a few of us still see things in that way.

What I am saying at the end of this point is that maybe your expectations of what he should be like and what he should be has affected your sexual appetite? Perhaps your expecting too much of him or expecting something he isn't? Maybe if you just accept him for who he is, and see the real him, that things will change? Maybe if you really sat there and blocked out all expectations and thought of it rationally and appreciated him for who he is things would become better?

It's worth a try? If this doesn't work, then it must be something else more serious.

2) You sexual appetite is down fullstop. Do you find that your drive is down spefically regarding him or in general? This is where the medical field comes in, herbal medicine etc. If you have no libido fullstop then something is wrong with your body and you must seek medical help. If you feel no sexual feelings at all then this is a problem that is not related to him or to any bloke for that matter - it is something you must see for yourself through medication and I don't have much advise to offer there. Btw, no sexual attraction is one thing but no libido means you don't have sexual energy - there's a difference.

3) It is neither of the first two and it is strictly like this: when it comes to this bloke who is my husband, I have no sexual drive whatsoever. I feel I am sexually unattracted to him, I have no expectations of any kind, I am healthy and my body is fine but when it comes to him, I just don't want to do it. I feel turned off, I feel repulsed and I want to puke.

In this case where the issue is strictly with this bloke, you have the right to a divorce and you can speak to a Sheikh and say it straight out: Sheikh, I feel no sexual attraction to him whatsoever. No one will argue with you and the marriage will end because this is your right and one of the main 'glues' of a marriage.

This doesn't mean you WILL get a divorce - most sisters won't. Even if you don't get your rightful divorce, you at least know what the situation is and must therefore be prepared to live the rest of your life with this bloke, start a family, have children and live a complete life with him. The choice is yours.

Now if we move along to the bloke, there are a couple of things we can mention there.

1) He doesn't help. Sometime brothers get SO caught up in there needs that they forget their wives needs. Sometimes a wife may not want to engage in any sexual activity but with the wisdom and knowledge of the husband of the wife, he will know how to change her mind. This may be in the things he says or does to intice the wife to think - why not. Now if you have a husband who is not like this, that doesn't help at all. A woman is not a machine (and neither is the male) so things shouldn't happen slap bang. The environment should be encouraging, it should be started by soft words, emotions and contact. A Female is an emotional creature and the best way to her is through being soft in speach and manner. These are a few things that would encourage a woman to sexual activity - this is the responsibility of the male, especially since he is more demanding of it than the female. If this doesn't occur, it would be a very dry, awkward and boring affair rather a fun and exciting one where the relationship grows stronger and more intimate.

If this is a problem, you have to be frank with your husband and tell him he needs to learn how to switch on your needs. He needs to learn to be more affectionate and soft with you. He needs to know you more to know how to appeal to you and you have to tell him what works for you also - this shouldn't only be something for him to discover.

And lastly
2) He's unattractive in is behaviour. Sometimes brothers are a real turn-off in the way they conduct themselves. They are rude and loud, they walk around the house in their dirty clothes smelling of sweat and work. They don't look at their appearance and body language and don't consider what they're wives are seeing or experiencing. Having someone like that as a husband would be the last thing you want to sleep with.

If this is the problem, the husband needs constant reminder to look after himself and take care of this appearance. The Muslims a clean and beautiful person who always maintains a clean and pure image. He needs to be reminded to comb his hair, have regular showers, shave his private parts, wear nice clothes and always prepare himself for his wife just like he likes her to prepare for him - it works both ways.

This is a long response because it is a serious issue indeed. The family is the heart of the Muslim Ummah and by fixing it, the nation will be in good stride. This is an issue which is not often spoken about so let this lengthy response do something to fix that.

Allah knows best and may Allah grant you all happiness in your marriages.

Wassalaamu Alaikom

[dipulmiah]

Masa' Allah, That is vey nicely put & quite an interesting read.

[shortest straw]

your general state of mental health could be part of it as well. i'm not married but i dont need to be married to know i have a libido. when i was suffering from severe depression and anxiety for some time (not that i knew i had it!) my libido became non existant.. when i started to realise that i had a problem and sought treatement from the doctor (he put me on antidepressants) not only did it solve my problems with anxiety and depression.. but my libido is good as new. sorry if that was too much for anyone. may Allah forgive.

[Guestbest]

sister shortstraw, could u tell me the name of the anti depressants that was prescribed to u?
I have always heard that one of the side effects of anti depressants is lack of sex drive

i dont know what it is about people thinking i'm a sister.... :shock:

anyway, the antidepressants are Cypramil is the brand name. Cytalopram is the actual drug name. its Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor. SSRI. ... and yes one of the common side effects can be sexual dysfunction, however in my case i was so depressed etc that when i went on them it did the complete opposite. however, the sexual disfunction side effect usually lessens over time from what i've read and most people dont really find it as much of an issue after a while

[Guestbest]

Sorry brother, didnt mean to offend you. its just that the topic was about women's lack of libido thats why I assumed ur a woman.
jazakumallahu kheir anyway

[Expired]

:as:

Guestbest: Inshallah things are improving for you, please let us know if there is anything else we can do to help :)


Outspoken: :thumbsup: Mashallah, some very valuable and detailed information you have posted, May Allah reward u Ameen.

Ur sister in Islam

Unpredictable

:wa:

[Guestbest]

Salams everyone,
unfortunately my situation hasnt changed very much. Does anyone know of a muslim sexual counsellor or even a non-muslim, i dont care, i just want this problem fixed so i can move on with my life.

thank you all for advice especially brother Outspoken but nothing is working. Even if im not attracted to my husband that way, i love him so much, i wouldnt leave him for that reason, i just want to have desire to actually want to do it, mostly for my husband's sake. i think i can live a happy and fulfilling life without having or even thinking about intercourse but i know that its impossible and unfair for my husband. I'm so depressed, im even thinking of resorting to hypnosis, i dont know if thats halal.

please if anybody knows anyone that i could talk to (counsellor/ psychotheorapist) then let me know. jazakum allah kheir!

I think counselling is the best thing for you or many even psychotherapy. i dont know of any muslim ones though. you might want to check out Mission of Hope http://www.missionofhope.org.au/

[Outspoken]

Thankyou for your contribution Prisonbreak, I'll take the liberty of answering your query if I may.

The point you mentioned didn't even occur to me until you mentioned it. It was an insightful observation nonetheless and it's ok, she's fine in asking for help in sha Allah.

Primarily you may be correct but at the end of the day, we won't hold back from helping anyone. Besides, if the peoplez aren't aware of these issues in this Forum I very much doubt that they won't be made aware of it elsewhere - assuming they don't know about it already.

Thanks all the same.

[faithbringsit]

Assalam alaikum Guestbest,
I only recently saw your input. This may be a very delayed response but i was wondering if you ended up seeing a counsellor?
The best person i can think of is Sis. Hanan Dover at Psychcentral which is on 1021 A Canterbury rd, lakemba. its on a corner.
She has dealt with these issues in many of her clients i am sure.
Her contact details are: 97597761 to make an appointment.
If you get a referral from a Dr then you get up to 12 sessions free if you have a medicare card.
may Allah help you.



Salams everyone,
unfortunately my situation hasnt changed very much. Does anyone know of a Muslim sexual counsellor or even a non-Muslim, i dont care, i just want this problem fixed so i can move on with my life.

thank you all for advice especially brother Outspoken but nothing is working. Even if im not attracted to my husband that way, i love him so much, i wouldnt leave him for that reason, i just want to have desire to actually want to do it, mostly for my husband's sake. i think i can live a happy and fulfilling life without having or even thinking about intercourse but i know that its impossible and unfair for my husband. I'm so depressed, im even thinking of resorting to hypnosis, i dont know if thats halal.

please if anybody knows anyone that i could talk to (counsellor/ psychotheorapist) then let me know. jazakum Allah kheir!

[Expired]

:as:

... some contraceptives ( like Implanon ) can have a massive impact on libido.. If u are using contraceptives and have no libido it might be worth talking it over with your doctor to see if there is an option to change the contraception.

:wa:

[Ehsan]

If conventional medicine and doctors cannot resolve the issue - perhaps it may be worth looking into this issue. There is ofcourse the very real element of black magic or what we term in islam "Sihr". Specifically in Islam this Sihr that affects sexual apetite is known as Sihr ar Rabt.

Although for men Ar Rabt is the inability of a physically fit and healthy man to have sexual intercourse with his wife, in women too this can occur (frigidity).

Now some of the terms i will be using may be of a sensitive nature but inshallah this is for the sake of helping the sister and is a warning for parents to perhaps not let the younger members of the forum read on.


There are 5 types of rabt in women if my memory serves my right:

1) Rabt al Aman (obstruction)- this is when the woman prevents her spouse from intercourse by closing her legs tightly together, obstructing him. This reaction is totally automatic and beyond her control. In the incident the man shackled his wifes feet apart to see if it would help - but to no avail.

2) Rabt at taballud (lack of sexual feeling) - the Jinn entrusted with the mission of sihr settles in the centre of sexual feeling in the womans brain and causes her to loose her feeling at the moment of intercourse. As a result - she feels no pleasure nor responds to her husband. Her body becomes numb even if her husband does what he wishes with her. In this type of sihr, te glands do not realse the fluid of the private female area.

3) Rabt al insidaad (Blockage of the females vagina) - it occurs when a man finds an obstacle of flesh in the female organ which prevents any penetration so intercourse is not achieved.

4) Rabt an nazif ( bleeding when intercourse ) - The jinn in this case causes heavy bleeding to the female woman , and thus prevents the man from having intercourse. One day one man, who was a soldier, told me that whenever he came home for holidays his wife would bleed as soon as he came home. the bleeding would last for the holiday period which was approx 5 days, but wud stop as soon as he left.

My advice having made sure you have eliminated all other possibilities first, is to speak to a specialist in ruqya (healing using the Quran and prophetic medicines) and seek his advice.

Inshallah if you can - inform us of the Ruqya they suggest if you do take this up. It is important that there is NO USE of any taweez (luck charms or quran charms) and that all verses of the quran and every statement of the healer is said aloud - nothing shud be hidden, and no incantations except for verses of the Quran should be used. Honey may be used and other prophetic items. It is very important that you adhere to the sunnah in this case, and not contact a fony imam in such cases, as using sihr to heal sihr is totally haram in Islam.

And Allah knows best.

[lizzy]

wow, brother ehsan thats impressive. i think the sister here is talking about Rabt at taballud (lack of sexual feeling). is there anyone here who can find out the ruqia for this. im really interested now

i would also like to know what the ruqyah is for that sort of stuff. is it the same verse for everything? like that verse that talks about sulayman and how those angels taught ppl magic when they were under the control of the shaytaan??

[Expired]

:as:

Inshallah I will send a message to brother Ehsan to see if he can follow up with this post

:wa:

[Ehsan]

The ruqya for women unfortunately is something i have no knowledge on and cannot help with. Unfortunately i know more so about the males because im male! lol. Inshallah ill try and learn but to be honest i dont know. better to ask which verses a sister to read with a professional as i am not.

Re: The above conditions in men and how to treat it, it depends on 2 main things.

Firstly when the usual ruqyah of 17:82 and pre treatment/treatment/post treatment stages* are done, and a jinn actually speaks

Secondly when the above is done and there is no voice of the jinn.

----------
* This is quite in depth and i would just type this out if it was really necessary only.
----------

If we assume there is no jinn, then the following verses can be recited over water and the patient can drink it and wash from it for a few days:

7:117-122

Also: Authobillahi minashaytaan ar rajim - falammaa alqaw qala musa ma ji'tum bihis-sihru, innallaha sayubtiluhu. innallaha la yuslihu 'amalal-mufsideen. wa yu hiqqul-lahu-haqqa bikalimatihi wa law karihal mujrimoon.

Also: 20-69

there are various other methods again quite indepth but this is one of the easy remedies. Remember this ruqya of reciting over water etc. just requires someone who can read the Quran and can be done by anyone inshAllah with the right niyyah (intention) that Allah is the one who heals and helps, and you simply acknowledge the Quran is one of the methods of treatment.

May Allah help protect us from sihr ameen