I need some advice!

[sanah]

salaam to all my brothers and sisters in islam,
I just wondered whether you could provide me with a solution to my problem

I met this guy quite some time ago, not realising that he would occupy four effective years of my life! When i first started talking to him i didn't find it wrong. As time passed i became more and more attatched to him!

I have met and known alot of guys in my life but noone ever attracted me, until he entered my life! Because he lived in a different city, we rarely saw each other but always spoke on the phone!

The first time i spoke to him, i felt mesmerised by his manner of speaking to me! he knew so much about islam, he didn't use abuse once and nor did he show me disrespect for one second, the first gift he ever gave me was a book of islam. What attracted me more to him was his manner of approach and his way of life, he lived such a busy yet islamic life! He was always the kind of guy i wanted as a husband, someone who would respect me and my parents and bring our children up within the boundaries and regulations of islam!

I met him at a young age, but as time has passed i have matured as a person, i started becoming aware that us talking and seeing one and other was not right. At the beginning I thought that i might have a chance of marrying him, but as i became more aware of my parents desires and expectations, i ruled it out of the equation, because we were from two different casts i knew it would be impossible to marry him! During the four years we broke up many times, everytime seemed so real but we would always get back together!

We broke up suddenly due the current situation, he himself is at an age to get married and I am still studying! Although i never spoke to my parents regarding this issue, i know they would be hurt by my decision! I really like him but i love my parents, and by upsetting them i will never be happy!

Now that we don't speak at all, i really miss him, he occupies my thoughts 24/7, everytime i think of him tears flow down my cheeks! I can't marry him but i can't bear to see him get married to anyone else either! i know it sounds really selfish, (i'm really sorry) i don't mean it that way. I pray and hope that Allah (swt) blesses him with every happiness and always looks over him- ameen, becuase he is a really nice individual and deserves the best. But without him my life feels so empty, i pray to Allah(swt) to help me get over him but it isn't easy.

I am not a practising muslim, but inshallah i pray Allah (swt) has mercy upon me and guides me the right way someday, i love my religion, and respect my beliefs alot, i also acknowledge that what Allah (swt) does is for a reason!

Sorry for the long email but noone understands what i am going through, I cannot speak to my parents about this ,my cousins have become strangers, and my friends are just friends by definition. In life we have noone except Allah(swt)

Jazah kallah heyr

[Expired]

:as:

There is something in your post that has me worried..

You say
we were from two different casts

Do you mean that you are both frm different cultures/nationalities ?

If that is the case then Islamically I cannot see what the problem is as Allah (SWT) says in Surah 49.13

O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise (each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things).

and again

"O mankind! Be careful of your duty to your Lord Who created you from a single soul and from it created its mate and from them twain hath spread abroad a multitude of men and women.” (An-Nisa’: 1)

Prophet Muhammad :saws: said: O people! Your God is one and your forefather (Adam) is one. An Arab is not better than a non-Arab and a non-Arab is not better than an Arab, and a red (i.e. white tinged with red) person is not better than a black person and a black person is not better than a red person, except in piety.

May Allah forgive me if I have said anything wrong :blush:

May Allah make your situation easy... Ameen

Ur sis in Islam

[Outspoken]

Assalaamu Alaikom Sanah, my dearest sister

Subhan Allah how the Shaitan has a trap for each and every one of us. Subhan Allah how he has devises a plan exclusive for you and me. It abhors me the way he sits there, thinking of ways to deceive and manipulate us and lead us astray.

He travels through us like blood streaming through our veins. He knows what we like and what we dislike, he knows what things affect us and what things influence us. He knows how to appeal to us and what things attract our attention and mind. He uses this to lead us astray.

Never does the Shaitan order you to commit a crime against Allah out of left field. He isn't that stupid. He takes you by the hand, beats you around the bush until you find yourself in the dark forest.

This is why Allah told us not to follow his footsteps in the first place - don't even start with the footsteps. This is because he is so extremely cunning that he will have you in the bag before you can say - what happened?

May the curse of Allah be upon him until the day of recompense!

How many a times we have heard this story sister. The funny thing about your situation is that so many brothers and sisters have fallen into exactly the same thing. Shaitan plays the same old trick with all of us sometimes. The goal is one but the way he appeals to us is unique to our individuality.

How we get there is different and varying but in the end, the Shaitan will lead all of us into the same pit of disobedience. Read the threads in this forum and you will see Shaitan's filthy fingerprints all over the lives of these young Muslims as he snickers and goes for more.

Sister, the halal is clear and the haram is clear and in between is the doubtful matters. Those who leave these doubtful matters alone and busy themselves with what is pure and straight forward would save themselves and their religion so much sin, headache and pain. This is the word of the Messenger peace be upon him.

You know what I think? I think you know the truth sister. I know that you know what the right thing is but I don't think that is the issue. I think the issue is the deep pain. The pain of repentence, the pain of taking back a sin, the pain of the consequence of sins. That's what it is.

You say you are not a practising Muslim but from your language in the post, I couldn't tell. Your mentality is good and your priorities are in good shape walhamdulillah.

Having so much consideration for a parents desires and expectations are one of the fundemental principles of being a practising Muslim - you have that. Not wanting to even mention it to your parents says alot about how much you care about them - good on you! By Allah one minute soaking in your parents satisfaction and happiness is more blessed and better for you than an eternity with your knight in shining armour - whom your parents do not approve for you. I know you know this and it is clear from your post.

However, the fact remains that no one understands the pain and suffering that you are going through right now. Except those who have been there and done that.

The Shaitan has lured too many of us young ones into this pit of pain and suffering. Things start of nice and friendly. Feelings are indifferent and the two victims are 'just friends'. As time goes by the hearts naturally grow fonder - the more you be with someone the more you attach to them.

Before they know it, their perception of 'just friends' whithers away slowly and this relationship becomes addictive. The Shaitan will soon have the both of them on an addictive drug of attachement and emotions. They will both know that they are not 'just friends' anymore because something so light would be offensive to their relationship - it's much more than that.

Meanwhile, the emotions are rising and rising. Everyone yearns for a good friend, no one denies that. But the evil old Shaitan will never find you a righteous friend from the slaves of Allah that roam the Earth, he has to pick you one from the opposite gender, someone who has looks, speech and communication that appeals directly to you - he will carefully choose that person for you because after all, he has to make his plan work.

This person will become the source of all your happiness. Everything Allah ever gave you will become a dream. All the blessings of Allah won't mean anything to you anymore. This person will become your food and drink and you will keep getting deeper and deeper into this illegal relationship.

Shaitan will blurr your senses and knock out your perception and sanity. Some brothers and sisters at this stage will come up with the most ridiculous calculations, assumptions and suggestions - because the Shaitan would have completely numbed them.

After a period of stability comes the real truth. This is when the real hard reality that the Shaitan always knew is left to play it's role. This is where the ball that is shooting into the sky has to come back down and gravity will become the biggest lesson of your life so far.

The shaitan simply wanders off because he's not interested. And you're left to plummit to the earth to crash and crash you will. Tears, pain, exhaustion, sleepless nights, endless torture and what to do? What to do? Nothing. Reality will hit you hard. How could you have not see this? Where did you possibly think this was going to go? Where were my senses?

Meanwhile Shaitan takes the front row seats with the popcorn and enjoys the scene of you breaking down and collapsing unto yourself. One down, many to go. His favourite movie this is. He is a sworn enemy to us from day one. He will never enter Jannah and h's abode is waiting for his in the hellfire - but he'll take as many people with him as possible.

So many times, time and time again this happens to our brothers and sisters. What should I do, I love him, what should I do, I love her. The sky is falling, the world is about to collapse on it's head and I would rather die! Ya Allah help me!...

As I type this, the Athan for Asr is called in this beautiful month of Ramadan. What a cure, what balsam and what a beautiful voice to hear - someone calling to the worship and glory of Allah. Allahu Akbar.

Brothers and sisters, the answer is simple. Take your mind out of the pit that Shaitan has dug for you - using your hands.

Place yourself in the hands of Allah instead. The true happiness, the true satisfaction and the one real beauty in this world. The world has not run out of wives or husbands. You have not lived enough to tell me that no one in the world will ever make you feel like that again. What experience in life do you have to make such claims?

Allah is there for you and me. He will supply us with what we need. If we obey him and fear him, the good coming your way is something which would make you embarassed. Why not build things not with the Shaitan but with the Messenger.

Do you doubt that Allah will satisfy your need for a husband or a wife? Do you think that the world has run out and that if you don't grab one right now you will be doomed?

Do you not have confidence in the power of Allah to look after you, to please you, to provide you? The beleif in Allah and his ability must rise in you. It must surface so that you say a million men can get married - Allah will give me that one that is suitable for me from his wisdom. A million girls can get married, Allah through his wisdom has something in stal for me and I will like it - I have no doubt about this.

This comes from the belief that Allah - not the Shaitan, is the best of planners. If we think something is right - we want to put it on Allah as well? Do we doubt Allah's judgement if he says something is not right for us or won't happen? No, we have firm belief in his decree and the way he controls his universe.

Brother or sister who have fallen into similar situations. Leave off this sin and return to Allah and he will replace you with what is better - the Messenger has promised this.

At the end of the day, it will need some time to heal. These things are real and we can't ignor them. It will take many days, weeks, months and maybe even years before they completely heal. However, in the meantime, we must control our own self for this to happen successfully.

We can speed the healing process by not thinking about it, by not bringing it up and ultimatley by getting over it. After so many years when we remember - it will never ever go away - but it will not consume us as it once did. It will become a distant memory and this time, when we think about it, we will be more mature in how we see it in sha Allah.

I thought I would make this passionate response extra long because I am sure it would appeal to so many readers not just Sanah.

Sanah thankyou all the same for posting the question, I'm sure you'll appreciate the response. May Allah protect you from every evil. May Allah preserve your honor and beauty for Allah and his religion and likewise the rest of our youth in sha Allah.

Wassalaamu Alikom

[sanah]

quote:
"Do you mean that you are both frm different cultures/nationalities ? "

salaam sister, what i meant by "we are both from different backgrounds" is that we both belong to different cultures. Luckily we are both muslims! For instance we are all muslims but are divided in to mirpuri's, bangali'z, gujarati's, pathanz ect. Similarly we are from diverse backgrounds! This is something which cannot be helped.

I know this shouldn't be an issue but it is a big deal to my people! Although we as muslims all should believe in the same facts/opinions, we hold very different personal and traditional beliefs.

No offence to anyone reading this, but to an extent i wouldn't like to teach my forthcoming generation different values to what i learnt myself, and although it is popular teaching children other languages than their mother tongue. To an extent this is suitable, but i am strongly against the idea of one's mother tongue being replaced completely by a different language!

I know it is no excuse but i hope this explains my situation more clearly to you.

Jazakallah ameen

Wa/salaam,

[sanah]

Assalaamu Alaikom Sanah, my dearest sister

Subhan Allah how the Shaitan has a trap for each and every one of us. Subhan Allah how he has devises a plan exclusive for you and me. It abhors me the way he sits there, thinking of ways to deceive and manipulate us and lead us astray.

He travels through us like blood streaming through our veins. He knows what we like and what we dislike, he knows what things affect us and what things influence us. He knows how to appeal to us and what things attract our attention and mind. He uses this to lead us astray.

Never does the Shaitan order you to commit a crime against Allah out of left field. He isn't that stupid. He takes you by the hand, beats you around the bush until you find yourself in the dark forest.

This is why Allah told us not to follow his footsteps in the first place - don't even start with the footsteps. This is because he is so extremely cunning that he will have you in the bag before you can say - what happened?

May the curse of Allah be upon him until the day of recompense!

How many a times we have heard this story sister. The funny thing about your situation is that so many brothers and sisters have fallen into exactly the same thing. Shaitan plays the same old trick with all of us sometimes. The goal is one but the way he appeals to us is unique to our individuality.

How we get there is different and varying but in the end, the Shaitan will lead all of us into the same pit of disobedience. Read the threads in this forum and you will see Shaitan's filthy fingerprints all over the lives of these young Muslims as he snickers and goes for more.

Sister, the halal is clear and the haram is clear and in between is the doubtful matters. Those who leave these doubtful matters alone and busy themselves with what is pure and straight forward would save themselves and their religion so much sin, headache and pain. This is the word of the Messenger peace be upon him.

You know what I think? I think you know the truth sister. I know that you know what the right thing is but I don't think that is the issue. I think the issue is the deep pain. The pain of repentence, the pain of taking back a sin, the pain of the consequence of sins. That's what it is.

You say you are not a practising Muslim but from your language in the post, I couldn't tell. Your mentality is good and your priorities are in good shape walhamdulillah.

Having so much consideration for a parents desires and expectations are one of the fundemental principles of being a practising Muslim - you have that. Not wanting to even mention it to your parents says alot about how much you care about them - good on you! By Allah one minute soaking in your parents satisfaction and happiness is more blessed and better for you than an eternity with your knight in shining armour - whom your parents do not approve for you. I know you know this and it is clear from your post.

However, the fact remains that no one understands the pain and suffering that you are going through right now. Except those who have been there and done that.

The Shaitan has lured too many of us young ones into this pit of pain and suffering. Things start of nice and friendly. Feelings are indifferent and the two victims are 'just friends'. As time goes by the hearts naturally grow fonder - the more you be with someone the more you attach to them.

Before they know it, their perception of 'just friends' whithers away slowly and this relationship becomes addictive. The Shaitan will soon have the both of them on an addictive drug of attachement and emotions. They will both know that they are not 'just friends' anymore because something so light would be offensive to their relationship - it's much more than that.

Meanwhile, the emotions are rising and rising. Everyone yearns for a good friend, no one denies that. But the evil old Shaitan will never find you a righteous friend from the slaves of Allah that roam the Earth, he has to pick you one from the opposite gender, someone who has looks, speech and communication that appeals directly to you - he will carefully choose that person for you because after all, he has to make his plan work.

This person will become the source of all your happiness. Everything Allah ever gave you will become a dream. All the blessings of Allah won't mean anything to you anymore. This person will become your food and drink and you will keep getting deeper and deeper into this illegal relationship.

Shaitan will blurr your senses and knock out your perception and sanity. Some brothers and sisters at this stage will come up with the most ridiculous calculations, assumptions and suggestions - because the Shaitan would have completely numbed them.

After a period of stability comes the real truth. This is when the real hard reality that the Shaitan always knew is left to play it's role. This is where the ball that is shooting into the sky has to come back down and gravity will become the biggest lesson of your life so far.

The shaitan simply wanders off because he's not interested. And you're left to plummit to the earth to crash and crash you will. Tears, pain, exhaustion, sleepless nights, endless torture and what to do? What to do? Nothing. Reality will hit you hard. How could you have not see this? Where did you possibly think this was going to go? Where were my senses?

Meanwhile Shaitan takes the front row seats with the popcorn and enjoys the scene of you breaking down and collapsing unto yourself. One down, many to go. His favourite movie this is. He is a sworn enemy to us from day one. He will never enter Jannah and h's abode is waiting for his in the hellfire - but he'll take as many people with him as possible.

So many times, time and time again this happens to our brothers and sisters. What should I do, I love him, what should I do, I love her. The sky is falling, the world is about to collapse on it's head and I would rather die! Ya Allah help me!...

As I type this, the Athan for Asr is called in this beautiful month of Ramadan. What a cure, what balsam and what a beautiful voice to hear - someone calling to the worship and glory of Allah. Allahu Akbar.

Brothers and sisters, the answer is simple. Take your mind out of the pit that Shaitan has dug for you - using your hands.

Place yourself in the hands of Allah instead. The true happiness, the true satisfaction and the one real beauty in this world. The world has not run out of wives or husbands. You have not lived enough to tell me that no one in the world will ever make you feel like that again. What experience in life do you have to make such claims?

Allah is there for you and me. He will supply us with what we need. If we obey him and fear him, the good coming your way is something which would make you embarassed. Why not build things not with the Shaitan but with the Messenger.

Do you doubt that Allah will satisfy your need for a husband or a wife? Do you think that the world has run out and that if you don't grab one right now you will be doomed?

Do you not have confidence in the power of Allah to look after you, to please you, to provide you? The beleif in Allah and his ability must rise in you. It must surface so that you say a million men can get married - Allah will give me that one that is suitable for me from his wisdom. A million girls can get married, Allah through his wisdom has something in stal for me and I will like it - I have no doubt about this.

This comes from the belief that Allah - not the Shaitan, is the best of planners. If we think something is right - we want to put it on Allah as well? Do we doubt Allah's judgement if he says something is not right for us or won't happen? No, we have firm belief in his decree and the way he controls his universe.

Brother or sister who have fallen into similar situations. Leave off this sin and return to Allah and he will replace you with what is better - the Messenger has promised this.

At the end of the day, it will need some time to heal. These things are real and we can't ignor them. It will take many days, weeks, months and maybe even years before they completely heal. However, in the meantime, we must control our own self for this to happen successfully.

We can speed the healing process by not thinking about it, by not bringing it up and ultimatley by getting over it. After so many years when we remember - it will never ever go away - but it will not consume us as it once did. It will become a distant memory and this time, when we think about it, we will be more mature in how we see it in sha Allah.

I thought I would make this passionate response extra long because I am sure it would appeal to so many readers not just Sanah.

Sanah thankyou all the same for posting the question, I'm sure you'll appreciate the response. May Allah protect you from every evil. May Allah preserve your honor and beauty for Allah and his religion and likewise the rest of our youth in sha Allah.

Wassalaamu Alikom


Salaam councillor, many thanks to your beautiful and extraodinary response. I really appreciate it that you took out time to write such a lovely piece of response. By reading your forum i have realised that there is more to life then crying over one person such as the beauties and necessaties that Allah (swt) has possessed us with, like you said "life carries on". I just needed someone to say that to me, you touched my heart in many ways, may Allah (swt) bless you!

But it is true that some people touch our heart in ways that it is difficult to forget them, it is early days yet, the wound is still fresh, but i have full faith in Allah (swt) that he will aid me to get over the past and help me to live in the unknown future, which has surprises at every end!

As you mentioned only we know what we are going through, but this is just a test and hopefully as time progresses we will mature inshallah as humans! what have i lived to see the world yet? Inshallah i have belief in Allah(swt) that he will inshallah give us a really nice, caring and islamic husband! To find someone like that nowadays is a complex task but Allah (swt) is the creator and decider and am sure he will have mercy upon us and bless us with a good husband- ameen

jazakallah heyr for your time, thanx so much for your unique words, i just needed someone to understand me, that which you have done, ameen. May Allah (swt) bless you!

[under_cover]

:as:

May Allah swt increase you in wisdom brother... :ma:

You're a great teacher in your manner of advice.

Sobhanalah how beautiful is this religion... and how deceptive shaytan is.

May Allah be with you sister... Ramadan is here... make dua for He swt will always be there to answer your call.

:b:

[Outspoken]

See? There you go! All nice and full of the hope of Allah!

If anyone was to read this response and the first, they would notice the difference in your mentality. Well done and it seems clear that you have a good head on your shoulders.

Good on you and good for you!

The fact remains though - the pain is something you won't forget easily so you must persevere and remain steadfast until Allah provides ease out of it.

I ask Allah to make you steadfast on that.

[sanah]

salaam, thank you ,i prayed all day today and mashallah my mind feels so much at ease, it is true that those whom Allah(swt) helps easily recover whilst those whom do not seek knowledge and guidance from Allah(swt) get lead astray. Allah (swt) is the only one who understands our suffering and helps us if we help ourself!

Ramadan mubarak to everyone, and a special thanks to those who offered me advice and where there for me in my time of need, may Allah (swt) strenghen your imaan and grant you paradise- ameen

[dipulmiah]

Salaam Sister,

I am glad you are feeling so much better, But do not stop asking Allah(SWT) for his guidance.

This is the month we should all take advantage of & by the sound of it you are & we should all be envious of you in a good way!!!lol.

Let us know how you are doing & why don't you register on the forum so we don't have to see you as a guest??

W/s for now.

[sanah]

Salaam my brother and sisters in islam,
Thank you for your kind support. i am ok mashallah and am trying to concentrate solely in this month by committing myself truly to islam!

Although i have not completely forgotten my ex, i am starting to come to terms with the fact that we are both living completely distinct lives. What i don't understand is that, when i close my eyes and go to sleep, i dream of him! When i pray and ask Allah (swt) to help me forget him, i see him in my dreams! i know it sounds weird, but its a fact!

I told a friend about him and she advised me to read istikhara, although i believe in it, i am scared to read it because if i see something unexpected i will yearn for it, and the last thing i want to do is go against my parents wishes! It is not as though i don't have faith in Allah (swt) I have more faith on him (swt) then i do in myself!

jazakallah please help me x