who is going to want me now?

[tryinghard]

Assalamualaikum..
hi there.. i'm new and am very touched by fellow sisters that have supported my wish of wearing hijab on the introduction forum.
on the links that they have provided, it gave me useful links and discussion on why hijab is important and one of the reasons is that my future husband will love me more, respect me, contributes to successful lasting marriage, etc..
the problem is (i know this is kind of personal and embarrassing), i'm not a virgin. i have a boyfriend of 7 years whom loves me very much and we plan to marry. however, i'm still so young (im 21 and my boyfren 23) and he is the only boy i have been with since i was 14. furthermore, i dont even know if i am going to marry him.. i dont think i am compatible with him because we have totally different personality which is too much to elaborate. he is also a muslim but when i told him i want to wear hijab, he ask me to wait till i finish uni cos it will be a culture shock to him, which i dont understand. i am also thinking, if i end up breaking up with him, who is going to want me now? all of my friends do not know that i am not a virgin. they think that i am a very gd muslim. i would say that i am a gd muslim as i have repent from my sins, pray 5 times daily and Allah also loves me enough to bless me in differant ways. i am just scared that no gd muslim man would want me when they know about my secret. in your opinion, do u think a gd muslim man would feel disgusted by my past? do u think i should stay by my boyfren then? my parents(they dont know my secret) always tell me to make more guys frens so that i know if my boyfren is the most suitable chap to be with.. but its just hard knowing that gd guys want pure girls.. please help me.. ps. i hope i wont be kicked off the forum for sharing too much information..

[khadijah]

assalamu alaykum

dont worry to much sis firstly i dont think youll kicked off the forum we r all here to help not judge.

well my opinion is that your past is ur past if you have committed a sin then you should not tell anyone! you said you have asked Allah for forgiveness then that is that. only ALLAH can judge.

i think that only bad can come from a relationship that is based on haram so maybe you should consider deeply if ur bf is truly the right man and if not then go your seperate ways. if he is "dating" then i dont think he respects you very much. dont let him stop you from wearing hijab he has no power of how you will be judged by ALLAH swt. when you think you are ready then you do it for yourself for ALLAH.

if a man doesnt want you because of your past then you dont need him, people can give their advice they can share their opinion but noone can judge you, a good man will love you for who u r !!!

i hope that made sense sometimes i can ramble on lol
take care salams

[tryinghard]

salam sis,
thanks for the prompt reply.. u are sooo rite abt everything.. but just a quick qn though, did u mean i have to keep this secret from my future husband as well? because i will feel terrible if i do..
and another thing happen just now, i quarrel with my boyfren abt me not coming home for the holidays and i told him dat its gd cos there will be less sins and he got angry and called me an extremist.. we are living in different states now n probably he just misses me.. but i feel very hurt that he said that.. why cant he be supportive.. i feel really upset but i strongly feel that he reacts this way becos he miss me so much.. what are ur views..
appreciate it so much..

[khadijah]

assalamu alaykum

my pleasure sis!
well just check with the shiekh or maybe one of the other sisters here can confirm but as far as i know if you commit a sin you shouldnt discuss it with anyone. i suppose it depends on the man you get to know, i wont go into detail buta man i was getting to know was a revert like me he said he didnt want to know about my past and didnt think it was appropriate to discuss his past either, its irrevelant. i think maybe try and ask questions to see how he would react if you think he would over react the dont tell him and cross him off as Mr potential and if he seems fine with it then maybe you could tell him when u r ready. i suppose that ur health could be an issue i mean not being a virgin a potential husband may want to know if u r healthy (like no stds or viruses). every man is different try and read their reactions.
ok what was next just reading ur reply...........

ok quarrel with the bf well it sounds to me like this is his way of not dealing with reality , kinda shifting the blame. you said it was good u werent going back because there would be less sins well his muslims he knows in his heart that ur right , but as a man he sees it as losing control of you. if he calls you an extremist now he knows you will be bad and maybe a lil hypocritical and maybe ull change you mind......
yes you probably right he probably does miss you sounds like youve been together a long time, but ur ready to grow up and start to follow ur deen and it doesnt sound like he is ready. The only reason he views ur words as extreme is because living the way he has hes forgotten about halal and haram.

If you live in different states now this is ur chance to move on. be patient with him tell him its time to grow up and start practising islam and he needs to do it for himself before its to late. let him know that if he doesnt want to grow islamically with you then you will do it with out him. Dont let him hold you back...

im falling asleeep lol but i will check back in tomorrow inshallah, dont worry sis everything happens for a reason so dont worry what ever you have coming will come inshallah.


take care salams

[Unregistered]

be honest with whoever you end up with in future, otherwise your relationship is based on lies. You don't have to tell everyone but you atleast owe it to your future spouse, especially if he asks. Be brave, whatever his decision is, you should deserve, and you should not decieve someone into being with you, you know that its wrong in your heart don't you?

If you find someone who has sinned and repented like you, and there are many out there, it will be more easy for you to forgive each other. If he is a virgin however, forgiveness can still happen, but it would be very painful for him. You don't know how painful.

Also think of how your current boyfriend would feel about breaking up, who would want him? , because girls can be just as jealous as men, i know from experience, and there is nothing more painful than this burning hatred.

Don't be so quick to choose, you must be unhappy to be having that question, but for all intense and purposes, your current boyfriend is actually your husband. It doesn't matter if he is lacking in faith compared to you right now so long as he has some respect for what you are choosing. Still if you must break with him do so, be brave, be honest, and be sin free.

I suggest if your repentance is true, that you stop all sinful acts right away. And get married.

[Suhana_Muslimah]

Don't worry. When i met my husband i was a Christian. He was born as a Muslim. He always knew i would revert and even i wanted to. He knew about my past but still he loved me enough not to judge me and loved me for who i am. I can't give any advice but al i can do is tell u my situation. With me everything worked out.

[Saabira]

. he is also a muslim but when i told him i want to wear hijab, he ask me to wait till i finish uni cos it will be a culture shock to him, which i dont understand.


Sis, dont let him stop you from following the commands of Allah.

[Suhana_Muslimah]

Inshallah one day Allah will bring you a great practising Muslim husband

[Unregistered]

"your current boyfriend is actually your husband"

not sure who post this but its really wrong.. how can a boyfriend be a husband? i dont understand.. plz dont go saying things which arnt true.. the only way his considered a husband is if they have nikah.. n judging by wat she's saying, i doubt they do..

[islam4life]

yes sister,

make Dua to Allah to make this stage in your life easy, and to give you patience and insha Allah you will see that everything will turn out for the best :)

[cleansed]

Sister,
Whether or not you are a virgin, should not matter to your future husband! There are many muslim men out there who are not either. What does matter is that you understand you made a mistake, you ask ALLAH for forgiveness, and you dont do that again!