can't go on like this

[muslimwoman]

Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wabarakatuh Counsellor,

I'm a woman in my 20s and still living at home but I keep having thoughts of wanting to leave home. These thoughts are not new I have been having them ever since I can remember. When I was young I just never had the guts to and now that Im older I do have the guts but I know that if the problem was fixed my family will never let me forget that I "ran away from home" which will probably push me further away from them. So i just sit here and bear it day in day out. I know that everyone goes through that running away from home stage and I know there are other people out there still thinking it. Im concerned for them too but that doesnt make me feel better when people say it. Im in that position and knowing other people are in doesnt change anything. I know it might sound selfish but honestly Im not. Its just Im too busy getting depressed about my own situation. The problem is as people call it sibling rivalry. But this isnt just normal rivalry this is really really bad. Ive seen other siblings fight but what i see is nothing like what i go through almsot on a daily basis.


I know you will probably tell me to turn to Allah and make zikr and be patient and i do that. And the more i do it, i feel the worse it becomes. i know Allah swt is testing me. I know all that. Im constantly told that. and I read it everywhere. but enough is enough isnt it? I just cant handle this constant emotional abuse. Im always depressed. My brother doesnt even feel any shame or pity or anything. He justifies it by saying that Im just like that and I just want attention, when really i hate attention. Sometimes my strength breaks and I'l tear or have an expression on me face that looks like im holding my tears in, and instead of apologising he will prey on that and use it against me further. I have nobody to turn to. My parents dont care because its been going on for years and wen i was younger wen i used to complain they would say just ignore him which i do but he keeps tryin to break me. I just feel so alone. I know that Allah says to turn to him only and not to turn to other people and I do but nothing changes. I have soo much faith and love for Allah and He has helped me through almost everything. Except this. I hate that i feel this way. Im not angry at Allah or anthing. Im jsut so sad that this wont go away. Im so sad all the time. I act in front of people that Im happy and strong but inside im so depressed. I wish I could tell someone how depressed I am but I don't, so Im telling you hoping that you can advise me.


Another problem is, because of this I get angry a lot. Its like my brother likes to see me angry. I try and try adn try to hold it in but he just keeps going on and on until i just explode. And then i scream at everyone and then everyone blames ME and so my parents will be mean to me when the root of the problem is HIM. Im not playing the blame game here. This is the reality of the matter. I just want to be a good muslim. I just want to be close to Allah. But i cant be a good muslim if im constantly getting angry when the prophet said "dont get angry" repetitively. and then wen i get angry i fall even more into sin by shouting at my parents, of which i regret later on but at the same time wont apologise for because they dont do anything about it. and thats more sin because im so proud i cant apologise. but theres another thing and reason y i hate apologising. because wen i was younger and i used to apologise i would eg give my mum flowers, she would then insult my apology by sayin you dont need to give me flowers u need to be less disrespectful and she would say it with scorn in her voice and she wont even smile or anything. and i think to myself, what kind of mother rejects an apology? and isnt there hadith that says that the elders need to have mercy/compassion for their children. my parents never even tell me that they love me and they never show any displays of affection like hugging. i feel so alone. i only have Allah and i know that this is wrong ie to want someone toehr than Allah but sometimes I just want to have someone that will talk back to me or hug me wen im sad or sumthin.


i dont no what to do anymore and i dont know how i will get out of this house. insha Allah some advice would be nice.

Wasalam,
Sister in Islam

[SMY Team]

muslimah1
Fri Feb 08, 2008 1:31 pm

As salaamu Alaikum

My sister in Islam , i pray that you are in good spirits and strong Emaan.

I must Apologise for the delay in this reponse and InshaAllah is not too late for some advice.

You have mentioned running away from home , sometimes this does feel like the only way and solution to a problem but short term however, it will not be a long term solution to the problems you are facing. Sister can i suggest that running away really will not solve the problem , rather once a week find a quiet space somewhere you feel at ease and relaxed and take something along with you that you enjoy doing i.e. reading a book, painting , something that will be relaxing for you so you may have your own space just for you.

Another suggestion is if you really feel things are not going well for you at home, maybe speak to your parents and an aunty who can let you stay at her house maybe for a weekend or 2 weeks or so and do that every now and then , InshaAllah it may make a difference.

I do understand at the age of 20's it is really a difficult time for teens , as its a stage in life where you change from a child , you now have more responsibility and things in your life are changing mentally and physically this can contribute to your feelings of confusion, anger , and various other emotions. A stage like this really just has to be lived and experienced as it is a time of change .

It is also a stage where siblings may be in conflict with eachother, because each is going through a different stage. Im not sure as to how old your brother is if he is younger or older but this may be a factor in his behaviour. Is he mature , if you sat down and spoke to him and explain how he hurts you and that you really would like him and you to be able to get along and do things together i.e. go shopping , play sports, ect what ever you are both interested in doing.

Sister at the end of this all just remember why we are here , why are we living, life is full of tests and hardships for some easy for other its hard, But Allah all Mighty has knowldge of what we do not know and understand at the time. do not give up on your prayers, zikr, always turn to Allah (swt).

I find it helps when we get depressed and feel like everything is falling apart in our life's to just remember how fortunate we are to have the things we do, to have two eyes that can see, to have sheltar and food, to have a family even though we may go through difficulties we have a family, many do not have this at all , this is something that i continue to remind myself of when i feel upset or hurt i just remember and give thanks to Allah as there is always someone in more difficulty.

Sister i do believe that things will chnage for you and become better as like i said in the 20's you go through many changes but with difficulty comes ease it is a time that you will need to experience as this is the challenges of life and growing older.

InshaAllah this gives some light to the situation, and i thankyou for sharing your story as many are in the same situation and InshaAllah will benefit also.

Please do keep in touch and feel free to ask more questions.

Fi Amanillah

Your sister in Islam

[Outspoken]

Assalaamu Alaikom

Masha Allah, you have made the situation very clear. I can see the hurt oozing out of your thread. Give me a minute and I will return to counselling after a long absence - by responding to your post in sha Allah.

I just hope you come back to read it :rolleyes:

Wassalaamu Alaikom

[Outspoken]

Assalaamu Alaikom muslimwoman.

You really are in some pain aren't you?

I have read your thread 3 times now and as I type away I will inevitably read it a few more times. There is so much that I'd like to say to you.

I will try to equal your painful post with challenging optimism and good news in sha Allah. As for the length, I can equal that with my eyes closed ;) so I hope you're ready?

As a title for this post, the first word that came to my mind was 'Pity'. Not so much pity for you but the shame kind of pity.

Like it's a pity that your brother hasn't enough emotional intelligence to realize what he does to you.

Like it's a shame that of all people, he carries on with this horrible behaviour against not only his flesh and blood but his flesh and blood of the weaker sex - you - his own sister.

Like it's a pity that he doesn't cherish these beautiful days when he gets to see your radiant face everyday while you still live at home instead of waiting for that Saturday or Sunday everyweek once he or you get married.

Like it's a shame he had to be so down right immature and heartless.

I think the best thing to get you on your feet right now is some statements of fact, considering the situation. Your brother is being cruel to you and inconsiderate. What he is doing is not fair and not proper. This is something Allah and His Messenger never accept or condone - bullying is something I hate to my bone marrow and you are an obvious victim my friend.

I chill at the thought of so many other individuals who suffer the same problem as you do from different family members in different ways - as you mentioned in your post. Being bullied at school is one thing, being bullied at work is one other but being bullied at home? By your own family? Where you are meant to feel safe, protected and comfortable? That's got to be the worst.

It's a shame that your home is not the place where you feel safe, secure and comfortable. It's a real shame.

When you think about this point, it really brings your pain into perspective. This is why family problems are so serious - they are the antithesis of what a home environment should be. Not only are you trying to cope with your brother, but you are trying to cope and yet somehow still try to live a normal life in your own home. This is not healthy and not something you have to go through. Having problems with this can be so damaging.

Problems should be outside the home, something you can drop and leave, something you can walk away from, something you can ignor and cut yourself off from but when it's in your home?! You can't drop and leave your family? You can't simply walk away from your own home, you can't ignor the relationship and attachment you have to the words of your family members and you certainly cannot cut yourself off from them.

Which is why you find yourself in such a predicament. Despite your pain sister, I know that deep down you wouldn't do something like that to your parents or family. In the heat of the moment yes with some abusive comments on top but ultimately, your heart will always long for and warm to return to 'your home' - it's just natural.

So you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. You can't live with them, you can't live without them and as you said you "just sit there and bear it day in day out".

Besides sis, I seriously think that running away will just get you from one problem to another - perhaps a more serious one. Can you seriously perceive a sustainable solution in running away? What will happen in the long run? In two weeks, 3 or 4? What will that do to your relationship with your family and seriously talking to the rest of your extended family? It doesn't look like anyone has a clue about what you suffer so most likely they won't give you the light of day in understanding why you made that decision and for all they know you've turned into 'one of those girls' who run away into this society and blah blah blah. And then if you come back, you will soooo be the ugly duckling and your parents won't trust you anymore, they'll take ages to get over it and when it comes to marriage the rumours and this issue will resurface to refresh your misery. Don't do it :unsure:

So what else do I see from your expressive post?

I see that this has been affecting you for a while, ever since you can remember - as you mentioned. This hides alot of very important underlying factors that I want to unearth.

You have been subject to this abuse and bullying for a very long time now and unfortunately your parents have been completely heedless of it. It is their responsibility to eliminate it but I'm sorry to say that they have not responded to it in the appropriate manner, let alone detect it. They have left it to go on for all this time and as a result, you have suffered an accumulated level of pain and suffering.

What you feel now, I gather, has not been an overnight problem. As you said in your post, it's not your typical issue - it goes way back. That's why I'm surprised that you're still on your feet sis :)

Despite everything, I see so much strength in you! Your level-headedness is amazing, your insight is brilliant and your perseverence is exemplary. You still manage to soldier on knowing well what your in for and fully concious of your pain and suffering. In one word, you are your own hero sis! :blush:

Despite everything you suffer, you still manage to speak in reason, you articulate yourself so well and your self consciousness is enviable! That shows so much strength in character and had I been someone who'd met you, I'd get the same impression of you as you said everyone else does! No wonder!

Something no one who reads your thread can deny is that your intelligence and self-consciousness is far superior than anyone else's in your family, this is quite obvious to me. I hope that gives you a sense of 'aboveness' over things?

As I run out of points on my post-it notes, I come to the solution part - so what now?

The first piece of advice I offer you is to be strong.

Do you really want to know what I want to say? This is where my nick comes in handy: stop playing the victim dudette.

He's playing you like a doll. You got to stop being his victim. He's got too much emotional dominance over you and you need to rid yourself from that as soon as possible. Why should his immaturity and lack of respect mean so much? Why should it mean anything at all?

It would be so nice for you to lend your ears to your brother's sweet words as he pampers you and compliments you in a way only a brother can. How nice would it be for your brother to humour with you and make your laugh while you give him your attention? What a beautiful conversation it would be to have with your own brother as he shares stories and productive thoughts with you.

Unfortunately, your brother is not that person. These beautiful gifts you can give a person, he doesn't deserve. Don't abuse these gifts by giving them to the wrong person. Don't trash your attention by exposing them to this damaging treatment. Your attention to a blowing breeze would be safer.

You attention, this beautiful thing doesn't deserve this treatment and the high value one usually places and gives to family members is not something you should give your brother and this is the truth. Time and time again you have given him this attention as a loving and caring sister and time and time again he has abused it, mocked it, toyed with it and wiped the floor with it - enough is enough.

When he decides to use the right language with you, when he comes to his senses, when he starts to treat you like a sister, then you will let the sister in you do it's work. Unfortunately for you, his behaviour is not that of a brothers and so he won't be treated as one as long as he acts like that.

Do what you can to avoid his comments, avoid him, avoid any of his remarks when you can and if garbage continues to come out of his mouth, disregard it and considerate as nothing - since he considers your pain as nothing. It seems to me like even if you make a sensible comment to him like 'do you mind?' or 'why can't you show some respect' it will just go through one ear and out the other - SO WHY SHOULD HIS COMMENTS BE SUCH A BIG DEAL?

This is an intellectual and intelligent decision that you have to make - you have to make it not matter. If anything is going to help you, it's that. It's not going to be special rain falling out of the sky or a special chapter of the Quran that no one knows about yet. You simply have to block this emotional response to his lousy and offensive comments.

To clarify further, once upon a time when you received this abuse you were a powerless child who had to depend on parents and had no real inner strength to combat this. Now, things have changed for you. You are in your 20s and we have discovered that you have a wealth of inner strength - you no longer need mum or dads help to overcome this and your childhood weakness has gone - you are now a mature, self concsious adult who is capable of controlling and disciplining her emotions and actions and right now you will launch these abilities to combat this source of depression for you and overcome this nemisis.

You need to take care of yourself. If you're expecting an outside influence to do this for you as you have been expecting since you were little, it won't happen. It's your own responsibility now to lift yourself and you know what, I'm 100% sure you can do it!

Once you do that, the icing on the cake is calling on Allah for support and help. You can't feel hopeless and then practically ask Allah for a miracle? You do what you can and then you ask Allah for the support and success. You must do your part first.

Is asking Allah for help in need the same as asking Allah for help when not in need? Definitely not! That is the whole purpose!

You try to overcome this within yourself and then you call upon Allah to help you? Perfect scenario! It can't get any better than that.

I must clarify though. Asking Allah for help during times of hardship is a worship on it's own. If you're asking Allah for help only to get it and then you think it's over, this is a deficient mentality. What I'm trying to say is that asking Allah for help is itself a worship regardless of the outcome. So if you are serious about worshipping Allah, you don't frail and give up when you don't see results!!

Some sources say that Allah loves the voice of the slave so much and he is so happy for him in asking him for mercy, support and forgivness that he may prolong the reason so that the slave accumulates more of the pleasure of Allah knowing that once he gets what he wants - he'll stop! Subhan Allah, how merciful he is!

And look sis, if worse comes to worse, you'll just have to ask Allah in your prayers for that knight in shining armour to save the day - as have so many sisters like you been doing for so long. It would be a real shame if it reaches that stage.

Be patient as the patient ones are giving their full reward in due time.

Finally, I may not be able to give you a real hug you poor thing but here's a cyber one to put a simle on your dial. :hug:

Wassalaamu Alaikom